Guess who is coming to dinner?

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My husband and I don’t socialize much.  We moved to a retirement village, unknowingly quite a few years ago, and just don’t fit in.  Up until August, the hubs still worked part time as a physician, and most of his patients came from our community.  I am quite a bit younger then the general population here, therefore, I don’t have any female friends.  It has been difficult to find other couples that have similar interests, and haven’t been a patient of the hubs.

We met a couple through the hubs golf group.  They are more in his age group then mine, but we seem to have hit it off.

They are nice enough, although she can be a bit overbearing, but we both really liked him.  They both drank, a lot, so we enjoyed their company, most of the time.

We had them to our house for Thanksgiving, along with my 22 year old son.  She had quite a bit to drink, as did I.  During the after dinner conversation, she began a long monologue about sex and dildos.  While she was speaking she was directing a lot of the comments to my son, along with touching his arm, and leg.  It was uncomfortable to say the least.

I tried, many times to change the topic, but to no avail.  After that evening, I made a decision to not socialize with them again.  We liked him, but she was over the top, too much.

Not socializing with them, or with anyone for that matter has worked well for me in my new found sobriety.  I don’t have to dodge the land mines of why I am not having a drink.   I have my at home routine, and it works, and I am not drinking.

I guess I couldn’t stay in that cocoon forever.

Last week the hubs and I were discussing our abysmal social life, and trying to figure out ways to engage with people and  to make more friends.

The telephone rang, and it was the woman from Thanksgiving  inviting us for dinner at their house.  The hubs and I had a long discussion about going or not going.  The pros, we were invited out, the cons, she is a pain and talks to much, and always mentions sex.

We decided to go.

Once the decision was made, and the evening arrived,  panic struck.  My first sober dinner evening.  With people I used to drink with.

How will I politely decline a drink, they know I drink.  I really didn’t want to get into my personal stuff, she talks too much, she is a gossip.  Not that anyone is interested, but I don’t want to be hair salon fodder.  I had come up with the idea of telling them I was training for a road race, they know I am a runner, so that should work.  Dishonest as it was.  I ran it by the hubs, and asked him to have my back.  He suggested honesty might be a better way to go, but let it be my call.

I haven’t been having too many cravings to drink, that all changed as I  started to get ready to go out.  That was when I normally would have my first glass of wine, my pre-game glass.  It was then that I became really uncomfortable with the idea of going out for the evening.  I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to be put on the spot.

I started to freak out.

This is the email I sent to my sober pen pal:

Feeling a little freaked out about tonight. 

I will hang in there, but I just wanted to tell you.

For some reason, I can’t talk to the hubs about this stuff, sad and weird.

I need to remember to tell you about the AA situation.  I am going back to that meeting, changing now would be another whole THING for me.  I need less things right now.

I have to go get dressed.  Can I wear my pajamas?  Seriously, why can’t I?  Comfort zone…

I am so overthinking this; I looked up the date of a race I could be training for.

I really don’t like these people that much.

 I just puked in your email. J

When we arrived, I was offered a glass of wine, I said no thanks, seltzer water please.   She looked a little surprised, I followed up with, I have quit, and that was the end of it.  She did try to delve a little deeper later in the evening, but I brushed it off quickly with comments about my health. End of my story, I deflected the topic by asking something about her.

The evening went fine.

As I have been told SO many times, no one cares or notices that I am not drinking.

I went with the honesty route.  Even though it was awkward for me, I felt it was the best way to go.

I wasted a lot of time and emotional energy on something no one but me,  even cares about.  

This  morning I woke up feeling great and  clear headed.  I had survived, and honestly what was I so worked up about to begin with?

Sober dinner party, I didn’t drink, and no one cared.

Another first checked off the list.

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6 thoughts on “Guess who is coming to dinner?

  1. Well done for that. We haven’t socialised much since I gave up either. Everybody knows I’m doing the 100 day challenge, so I’m saved too many explanations for now.

      • Only my husband and my best friend know the real truth. Everybody else thinks I’ll be back drinking after 100 days. I’m going to tell people that I’m extending the challenge to 180 days. By that time I reckon people will stop asking. Feel like I’m a bit of a freak show at the moment.

      • I can sympathize. I feel the same way. It is like, what is wrong with you? Everyone drinks. They may, but not the way I do. I guess we will get more comfortable with it as time goes by. Right now it still feels like I am wearing someone else’s clothes.

  2. Congratulations on successfully handling the evening. I haven’t done much socializing but so far, most people don’t care what I’m drinking as long as they’re drinking what they want. ~ Joyce

    • You are right. I was all worked up for nothing. But it is all new and I need to navigate. Once it is done it is like crossing it off a to do list. Now I know I can handle it, no problem the next time…or so I think.

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