I had a REALLY bad day yesterday. Nothing earth shattering, but a bunch of little things all in the span of about an hour. It then felt like someone had placed a black cloud over my head, and just began pissing rain on me.
Now, when things are bad, I can always count on my less than supportive husband to make them worse. Just mentioning I had a bad day, seems to get him jacked up to make it worse. It is some crazy, emotionally fucked up dance that our relationship centers around. It is something that needs work, it will come in time, right now I am working hard on not drinking, no matter how hard people push me to the fall back cure of my life.
He had a great day, he went golfing all day, and WON the bet money. He then came home and shit all over me. I guess that makes his day better, I really don’t know what is behind it.
These types of events used to escalate because I would have already been drinking when he decided to begin picking at me. It always stars off with one subject, but then winds its way through all of the detritus of the relationship, ending with the big finale. Which is, that MY recently college graduated son is under employed and living with us, oh yeah, and he dares to walk and talk in the house.
These fights are no wins for me. They always have been, nothing has changed on this level just because I am sober. What did change was my choice to engage. I did not. I walked away, went to the bedroom, closed the blinds, took a half a valium, and went to sleep. Best resolution I have had in the 8 years we have been married.
I cried a lot, so feel like shit today, and have nothing to say to him, but I didn’t say anything I have to be ashamed of. I have that going for me.
In light of the above, and to make myself feel better, I have decided to write about all of the things that I love about being sober. This is just a 90 day list, I am hoping to be able to expand as time goes on.
1. SOBER SLEEP: I knew that my sleep was AFU (all fucked up) from drinking. I would go to bed, after ingesting a lot of wine, and immediately go to sleep .( Read pass out.) I helped this with an Alleve, an over the counter sleep aid, and half an ambien. (WHAT??) Of course, I would be awake anywhere between 3-5 am. Staring at the ceiling, promising to never drink again, or not drink so much. I woke up every day feeling like shit. Tired, sour stomach, and plans for what time I was going to take a nap. I never felt good, I was always tired.
Sleeping, with no booze in my system is real sleep. Like sleep from my childhood, sleeping like a teenager. It is great to wake up with no regrets, self loathing, or guilt. I no longer have to plot on how to get the empty bottle out of the refrigerator and into the recycling so no one notices.
Some days, I want to just stay in my bed, it has become my biggest comfort zone. I wake up, feel good, mostly happy, and with great energy. I am having a love affair with sober sleep.
2. SOBER READING: I used to go to bed, after drinking, to “read”. Not that I could ever remember a word of what I had read the following morning. It was a joke. I would have to reread everything. It was just ridiculous. While I was reading, I was still sipping wine, it was on the bedside table. I would refill the glass numerous times as well, all while reading. What I was really doing was continuing drinking, just in another room.
When I get into bed and read now, I can read all night. Pages and pages, and I can pick up where I left off the following day. I have to say, this is a much more efficient way to finish books, which I have done to many in the last 90 days. I love it!
3. SOBER RUNNING: I used to plan my runs for the morning, to sweat out the alcohol from the night before. If I ran, I could then do other things for an hour or so before I needed my nap. The nap was to get me through the rest of the day to “time for drinks”.
What a strange, disgusting way to live.
I now run for the pleasure of running. I feel good, can run longer, farther and faster. I don’t need to nap after completing a run and mowing the lawn. I can go do other things, like read! Read and remember!! Bonus pack!
I am going to go lace up my sneakers, and hit the pavement. I will remove the funk of the fight, I will sweat it out, like the booze I used to drink.
I feel a little better already, but a run should make my mind right, at least with me. That is who matters right now, taking care of me.
Staying strong, one day, one run, one book, and a good nights sleep. One day at a time.