Acceptance

acceptanceI have been drinking for a long time.  I believe I learned to drink by my parents example, and I became an alcoholic due to bad genetics, and a lot of alcohol.   A lot of relatives with alcoholism, and parents who loved to get smashed every night.  Not a fabulous combo for learning normal drinking behavior.

I remember the first time I got really shitfaced.  I was a freshman in college.  My brother went to the same school, he was a sophomore.  He came by my dorm one evening with a bottle of tequila, a shot glass, some limes and a salt shaker  He told me he had found a new, cool drink.

Shots of tequila!! How fun, how new, oh my god, how drunk!!  I don’t know how much of the bottle we drank, but I was beyond shitfaced, I was in full  blackout.  I was  told that we went to a party, and I proceeded to do a striptease in the middle of the dance floor.  Apparently I was hot.  The tequila had made my clothes come off.

I don’t remember that, or any of the rest of the evening.

I do remember the hang over.  It was brutal, it was physically painful.  It ruined the next day, and a few after that as well.

I had great plans that day too.  It was Spring Concert at our college, and the Allman Brothers Band were the headliners of a full day of music and bands.   Most of the student body turned out for Spring Concert, it was a big deal.  People brought blankets and had picnics.  Everyone had a great time.

Everyone but me.  All I could do was lie on the blanket, curled in the fetal position, aching from head to toe from the worst hang over of my short life.

I was 18 years old when I did that to myself.  I can’t even begin to count how many hang overs I have had in the 34 years since that one.  What I can say is that drinking heavily the night before a big event seemed to be a pattern.

I have gone to many parties, meetings, and road races severely hung over.

One of the insane aspects of my drinking was this absurd pattern of heavy indulgence the night before a big day.  I used to say to myself, as I poured my first glass of the evening, “I hope I don’t drink too much tonight, I don’t want to feel hung over tomorrow.”

That is thought process is demented.  Ostensibly, the lunatics who were running the asylum in my mind were the ones pouring the drinks also.  I clearly had no control over it.

In the clearness of sobriety, I have come to realize I really didn’t have any control over it.  I lost control as soon as the alcohol hit my brain, the only thought I had after that was MORE.

When I decided to quit drinking, and told my husband, the first thing he said to me was, “I don’t like to think that you are an alcoholic.”  I said, I’m not, I just drink to much, sometimes. (READ: daily)

starting over

On my 94th day of sobriety, I sat at an AA meeting, and did something I never thought I would have the guts to do.  As I began to tell my story, I said, “I am Laura, and I am an alcoholic.”

Step 1:

We admitted we were powerless over our alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

step 1

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9 thoughts on “Acceptance

  1. I am Kelly and I am an alcoholic. My body does not process alcohol, I too want MORE…..I am 42 years old and am ready to leave this chapter of my life. New book even!!

  2. Fantastic post. I totally relate to the massive binge the night before a big event. Why did we do that? It saddens me to think how many days/nights out I’ve ruined just because I didn’t know where to stop the night before. Step 1, ticked off for you. Well done. It is so hard for us to admit that in front of people.

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