I finally found a sponsor!!
I have been going to AA for two months, and have yet to be approached by anyone offering help. I have tried a couple of different meetings,looking for someone to connect with, but so far I haven’t found anyone. The meeting I liked the most, and is the most convenient to get to, has a severe lack of women. Three women actually, and they do not attend regularly. The night I was going to ask the lady that seemed to have it the most together for help, she didn’t show up.
That was last Monday. That night, a new gentleman showed up,he told his story, he had three days of sobriety, and immediately one of the guys offered to be his sponsor. I turned to the guy next to me and said, “What the fuck? I have been coming for two months, and I don’t have a sponsor, this guy is here five minutes and gets one!” He immediately gave me his wife’s telephone number, she has been in the program for 23 years.
I was shy about calling, but I did. We talked on the telephone last week, and agreed to get together for coffee today. In the ensuing days, she called again, and invited me to dinner with her sober posse. I was trepidatious, but I am in this to win it, so I said yes. We live in a retirement village, so dinner was set for 5:30 last night. (Can anyone say Early Bird Special?)
I was to meet my new sponsor, J, in the parking lot of a local market. As I was sitting waiting, I noticed another woman also waiting in her pick up truck. I called J to see if that was her, as it would be stupid to sit staring at each other if it were. It was not her, she was on her way. The woman in the pick up truck was met by another lady and off they went. J arrived a moment later, and we were on our way.
I am basically a shy person, so agreeing to meet someone I don’t know, then go out to dinner with a group of people I don’t know is really outside my comfort zone. I agreed to do it because I really want to be comfortable in sobriety, and so far I am not. I need a lot more tools for my tool box, and these ladies are my Home Depot.
I see the people at AA, and they all see to be content, even happy. The word alcoholic easily tumbles from their lips, they sit right up and welcome a newcomer with their drinking histories and ugly stories of hitting bottom, jail and rehab. They wear their alcoholism proudly. I want that. I am still hiding behind hooded sweatshirts, and reading glasses.
J is wonderful. I immediately felt at ease. I gave her an outline of my drinking history, and current conditions in my life. We actually have quite a bit in common.
We arrived at the restaurant, and I met the rest of the group. They were all very nice, and had a lot of very good advice. Rapid fire advice, it was slightly overwhelming.
J gave me a list of books that I should be reading. She was a bit irritated that no one at the Monday meeting had made any effort to get me on the right track. I am off to the used book store this afternoon to see if I can track them down. I want hard copies, not Kindle downloads.
Overall, it was a good evening, I got telephone numbers, and J and I have already arranged to meet again.
So, I didn’t count on waking up this morning and feeling exceptionally down. I now have a sponsor, new sober phone pals, and inspirational books to do daily readings from. Why do I feel like shit?
I feel like shit because this is fucking hard. It takes a lot of work. It is making me examine myself, and I don’t like what I see. It is making me do things I am not comfortable with, and I don’t like it. It is making me have regrets about things that I never regretted before. Self examination sucks.
It was just so much easier to sit on the couch each evening, drink copious amounts of white wine, get buzzed and numb, and wake up feeling like shit. No fuss, no muss, right?
I am going to do the work, I am going to get that contentment. I am going to keep on keeping on.
109 days and still going. I am in my sober car, it is picking up speed, going downhill to the book store. (Thanks Belle)