I woke up this morning in a good mood, but for some reason as the morning went on, my mood went downhill.
It started when I was telling my husband that I had booked my appointment for my follow up blood work. (It was the blood work results in June of 2013 that made me finally admit that I have a drinking problem. ) I was told it had to be a fasting blood test. Fasting, does that mean no 1/2 and 1/2 in my coffee? Because if it does, fuck that. Coffee in the morning is one of the greatest pleasures of my new sober life. I have given up the sugar that I used to add, but not the 1/2 and 1/2. No way!
He said, no, that isn’t the result we are interested in anyway. We are looking to see if the liver enzymes have change. Right, of course.
It was right then that my mood went south. I started to cry, which evolved into a full blown pity party.
Regrets, that is why.
Here is the list that came rolling into my brain:
I should never have started drinking.
I should have realized sooner that I had a drinking problem.
I wasted so many years planning for wine o’clock.
I never should have married my ex husband, I had so many better offers.
Why is it so hard finding a fucking sponsor in AA?
Why do I have to go to so many meetings to find just ONE person I can connect with?
Why am I living in an area filled with either retired people or rednecks? Neither of which I can connect with.
Why won’t our house sell? It has been on the market for 3 years.
Will my college educated son who has 30,000 dollars in student loans ever find a full time job and live on his own?
The negative vortex had sucked me in like a hair ball going down the drain.
So, I did what I always do when I throw myself a pity party, I started to clean. I whipped through the house, making beds, starting laundry, filling the dishwasher, getting all the machines going. I love when all my machines are humming, it is the sound of work being done.
I threw on my running clothes, gave myself a mental forehead slap, and said get over yourself. Laced up my sneakers and headed toward the door.
On my way, I picked up my daily meditation book, and turned to one of the pages I have dogeared, looking for something to change my ever darkening thoughts.
My thoughts guide my day. -Kelly Vickstrom I am as happy as I truly want to be today. No one can steal my peacefulness from me if that’s what I really want.
In an effort to regain my early morning peacefulness, I decided to focus on some of the good things that are in my life.
The pictures depict what I came up with.
It is hard to be sad when surrounded by so much beauty. (Unless I start to focus on the yellow pollen that will blowing in my windows to invade all of the surfaces of my home…., another forehead slap!)
Sobriety truly is one day at a time, today it was minute to minute for a while.