Pity Party

 

 

I woke up this morning in a good mood, but for some reason as the morning went on, my mood went downhill.

It started when I was telling my husband that I had booked my appointment for my follow up blood work.  (It was the blood work results in June of 2013 that made me finally admit that I have a drinking problem. )  I was told it had to be a fasting blood test.  Fasting, does that mean no 1/2 and 1/2 in my coffee?  Because if it does, fuck that.  Coffee in the morning is one of the greatest pleasures of my new sober life.  I have given up the sugar that I used to add, but not the 1/2 and 1/2.  No way!

He said, no, that isn’t the result we are interested in anyway.  We are looking to see if the liver enzymes have change.  Right, of course.

It was right then that my mood  went south. I started to cry, which evolved into a full blown pity party.

Why?

Regrets, that is why.

Here is the list that came rolling into my brain:

I should never have started drinking.

I should have realized sooner that I had a drinking problem.

I wasted so many years planning for wine o’clock.

I never should have married my ex husband, I had so many better offers.

Why is it so hard finding a fucking sponsor in AA?

Why do I have to go to so many meetings to find just ONE person I can connect with?

Why am I living in an area filled with either retired people or rednecks?  Neither of which I can connect with.

Why won’t our house sell?  It has been on the market for 3 years.

Will my college educated son who has 30,000 dollars in student loans ever find a full time job and live on his own?

The negative vortex had sucked me in like a hair ball going down the drain.

So, I did what I always do when I throw myself a pity party, I started to clean.  I whipped through the house, making beds, starting laundry, filling the dishwasher, getting all the machines going.  I love when all my machines are humming, it is the sound of work being done.

I threw on my running clothes, gave myself a mental forehead slap, and said get over yourself.  Laced up my sneakers and headed toward the door.

On my way, I picked up my daily meditation book, and turned to one of the pages I have dogeared, looking for something to change my ever darkening thoughts.

My thoughts guide my day.  -Kelly Vickstrom     I am as happy as I truly want to be today.  No one can steal my peacefulness from me if that’s what I really want.

In an effort to regain my early morning peacefulness,   I decided to focus on some of the good things that are in my life.

The pictures depict what I came up with.

 

Yesterday mornings 5K race with my running buddy.

Took home 1st place in my age group!

Took home 1st place in my age group!

 

Dogwood tree in my yard

 

 

 

 

It is hard to be sad when surrounded by so much beauty.  (Unless I start to focus on the yellow pollen that will  blowing in my windows to invade all of the surfaces of my home…., another forehead slap!)

Sobriety truly is one day at a time, today it was minute to minute for a while.

Dogwood trees

Dogwood trees

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13 thoughts on “Pity Party

  1. Love gratitude lists / pics. And you came up with some fab ones. Love it!

    I love me a good pity party, my dear. I throw fab ones. Party of one, of course. Would ruin it if I invited others, you understand. So I get it. I truly do. One of my greatest character defects. Been pretty good about it lately. But it still likes to slide in.

    You did well, turning it around. Sometimes takes me DAYS to get out of good parties. So bravo.

    Thanks for sharing the pics – nice to “meet” you 🙂

    Paul

    P.S about the redneck / senior thing – my sponsor is someone I would never hang out with. Ever. At least back then. He is a biker looking dude. Built like a brick shit house. Not educated past high school. Lives in not the best conditions. Etc. So there I am looking at the differences, but man, he is amazing when we connect. Remember, sponsors help us through the steps. They don’t have to be best friends with us. I have sponsored guys I wasn’t even crazy about. But I loved them as an alcoholic would love another. So perhaps soften your stance on these folks. They’re in the same boat you are in 🙂

    • I would actually take anybody who showed interest in me as a sponsor at this point. I really like two of the retired guys at the Monday night meeting, but you know the AA rules :(.
      I will keep trying, just feeling sorry for myself.
      I had my PB at the race, 25:06. Not bad for an old former drunk. 🙆

      • Yeah, those pesky rules 🙂

        Sometimes dudes will temp sponsor women until they get a female sponsor. Depends on the comfort level of each person. Ask them if they know of anyone who is sponsoring and available.

        25:06?? That’s fantastic! Is that 5K? Seriously, that’s about as fast as I could hope for – methinks you would easily beat me 🙂
        Congrats!!

      • Yes, that is 5k. I was pleased, sober running is better than hung over running. As to your 1/2 marathon question on Twitter, make sure you try to get all your bathroom stuff done before you get to the start. Porto potties are disgusting and the lines are long. When is the race? I start training tomorrow for a half in June.

      • Good to know. I am usually pretty good about getting the bathroom stuff out of the way. It’s rare that I have to make a pit stop (which is out of character for this drunk who made pit stops every minute – I seemed to have a bladder the size of a chick pea when drinking).

        The race is May 4. My 3rd sober birthday. you have one in June? Awesome! I assume you’ve run those before?

      • Congratulations on three years, that is awesome. I have done one half marathon before, four years ago. It was fun, I think, but I might be remembering it the same way as giving birth. If you remember the real pain you would never do it again 😀

  2. Oh, I just love this! This is huge! Your will to turn it around was amazing! My favorite saying “don’t sit on the pity potty too long or you’ll get a ring around your ars! Lol! And you didn’t even give it a chance. Awesome! I love the pics too! And 5k! Woot woot!

    I know what you mean about sponsors, I had several, it took me a while to get one that was a good fit. I know it’s hard, keep open minded and someone will come along. Shoot I’d sponsor you in a heart beat. 🙂

    Keep moving forward! Hugs.

  3. lovely to see you and what a great reflection on focusing on the good stuff. first in your age category is AMAZING! I ran a 5k race series last summer and it was really rewarding to see the times going down each month. but only if we put the training in, right?! remind you of anything? 😉

  4. Well done on that race – you look fantastic in your running gear, and so fit and healthy! I can recognise that vicious cycle of negative thoughts, well done for turning them around, even if it is just minute by minute. It all helps. (I too like to get all my machines going at the same time! Makes me feel like lots is getting done, very satisfying!) Good luck with the blood tests. You’re doing all the right things. xxx

    • Thanks, I am not really concerned about the blood tests, I know they have changed for the better. What really bothered me was the reasons WHY I have to go back again, and what a stupid thing to have done to my otherwise very healthy body.
      I can’t start thinking that way again today.
      On I go….

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