My husband has been away since April 18th. He went to see his 98 year old father, check on his health and attempt to get him to understand that it is no longer safe for him to drive. For some reason, the state of NY allowed him to renew his drivers license for an absurd amount of time, and it doesn’t expire until 2017, at which time he will be 102 years old. If he is still alive, and moving around, he will still think he belongs behind the wheel of a car. Stubborn, selfish man.
My husband and I have been in a really rough patch of late. He retired, my college age son moved back in with us after graduation, is under employed, and I quit drinking. Life has been stressful, to say the least.
I feel the majority of the stress comes from my husband.
Prior to retirement, he was depressed that he felt he still HAD to work. He is a cardiologist, and his job was very stressful. Since retirement, he has been depressed because he feels as if he has no value any more. He is upset, stressed and depressed that my son is living with us while searching for a job. He is depressed because he feels that he suddenly got OLD. He is stressed over the situation with his father, and trying to manage it while living 1700 miles away.
His biggest stress and depression comes from money. Not having enough money, setting up living trusts, changing his will to take people out, put people in, and the constant monitoring of the stock market. A lot of his daily mood is tied to the NASDAQ. He lives his life in the past, I shoulda, I coulda, if only I woulda. Ebeneezer Scrooge does not hold a candle to this man.
He allows the situation with my son living here to ruin any given day, for no apparent reason. My son realizes how my husband feels and makes every effort to stay out of his way. The situation is temporary, but we have no end in sight. I am not happy about it either, but he is my child, and I love him.
I am walking on egg shells constantly. I am trying to keep peace, meanwhile feeling like I am always sitting in the calm before the storm, or the warm spot in the lake.
In short, my husband is sucking the life out of me with his moods, and the fact that he will not admit to and deal with his depression. I can not talk to him as he is in denial, and we just go around in circles. I am at his mercy as he controls the purse strings, and I do not have an income. (Plus, despite all of the above, I do love him.)
I am working hard at being sober and staying sober. I am attending meetings, and I have a sponsor. I am trying to find peace within myself, searching for a higher power and working toward serenity. I have done a lot of work on all of this while he has been gone, as it has been easier. My moods are not on a constant roller coaster depending on what comes out of my husbands mouth, or how miserable he looks when he gets out of bed in the morning. I am trying to find the wisdom to realize I can not change this. I feel like I need more time.
My husband comes home tomorrow.
I wish I could say that I am looking forward to this, but I can’t, and I am not.
I don’t feel that I have had enough time to set a good foundation for realizing I can’t change this situation. I am a fixer by nature. I am a middle child, I am a Libra, I have always worked so hard at maintaining balance. I have done it all my life, it is hard to let go of trying to control things, even though I really have no control.
Intellectually, I have accepted that I can not change him, or our current situation with my son.
Emotionally, I have no idea how to hold onto the wisdom of that and not keep trying to fix everything.
I feel I need more time, more tools, and more practice.
I have 24 more hours.
I don’t know what to do.