Yikes, this day is off to a bad start. I have only been out of bed for an hour and I have already had my feelings hurt twice.
Not that either person really DID anything to me. I know it is me being stupid, and self centered, but nonetheless. I am still a work in progress.
I emailed my sober pen pal yesterday. He has been there for me since the beginning. I was emailing him daily, but now that things have sort of settled down, it has been more infrequent. Yesterday, I sent him a long email. He lives in California, so I never get an answer until the following morning. He used to send very long inspirational emails, today’s was short, and in my mind, curt. Ouch….My immediate reaction was, what? Why so short? Isn’t this about me, where is the support and the uplifting message?
I have decided to go on the aforementioned road trip into alcoholic hell. I have called my mother to let her know I will be there sometime in the first week of June. I will be staying at my brothers.
While speaking to my mother yesterday, she informed me, even though she didn’t know if she should, that my brother’s wife had lost her job on April 30th. My mother LIVES for gossip. She always wants to be the FIRST to tell something. Especially if it involves her children, no secret is safe with her. Hence my reluctance to disclose my sobriety, alcoholism and involvement in AA. The world would know in no time.
I called my brother yesterday, both at work and on his cell. He did not answer either phone so I left messages. I still hadn’t heard from him this morning, so I called again. Still no answer, but I did not leave messages. Still no call back.
Of course, I think both of these perceived snubs are about me.
How can T take no time to send me a long email like he used too? How come brother isn’t picking up his f”ing phone when I call?
I am saying to myself, what the fuck? Why is everyone ignoring me? I reach out, and no one is there.
Not once did I think of the other person. Maybe they have some stuff going on and don’t have time for me right now.
I immediately jump to hurt feelings, and wanting to tell everyone to fuck off. I am the center of everyone’s Universe, aren’t I?
Old thought patterns die hard.