Waiting…but for what?

waitingI have been feeling a bit fidgety, jittery, or restless the last two days.

As I am approaching 6 months I feel like I am in a holding pattern, circling the airport, lost in infinity, going round and round and round.

I feel like I am just waiting, but waiting for what?

I am waiting to relapse, because this sober business is so…boring, hard, too much work?  And why not, statistics point to it, don’t they?

I am waiting to feel comfortable with this sober business, because I am just NOT.

I am waiting to not think about drinking, just for one day, please, just one?

I am waiting to go to places where I used to drink without feeling nervous, anxious, or jittery.

 

waiting 2

I am waiting for cravings and triggers to go away, I am so sick of seeing pretty drinks, and thinking, I will never have one again.  I will never sit on a beach, and have the waiter man bring me a lovely frozen cocktail, drink it, and slowly get a buzz in the sunshine.

I am waiting for one year, because everyone says it is better after a year.

I am waiting to feel “normal” about being sober.

I am am waiting to really, really want to be sober, because right now I don’t.

I am waiting for the happiness that the Big Book promises.

I am waiting…..waiting 3

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23 thoughts on “Waiting…but for what?

  1. Maybe once the family trip is done next month it might be easier? I’ve been getting twitchy around the 100 day marker … I reckon when these milestones are goals, they’re helpful, but when you start tripping over them, they’re a bit, oh I don’t know, odd. Something to do with expectations? Hang in there. xx

    • Maybe it is the trip. I am going to a lot of places where I drank a lot. Sober firsts, they suck and take a lot of emotional energy. I feel like it would just be easier to chuck it all and drink.

  2. I LOVE this post because I know what the hell you’re talking about. I’ve been through it and describe it as seeing the world through dingy bug stained window while sitting in heavy traffic during the peak of summer without an air conditioner. Early sobriety is tedious. Thank you for sharing this. I have three years sober now and everything is clear and I feel wonderful, but it took a while. It doesn’t necessarily have to take a year. The best thing you can do is stop resisting any negative emotions. Just allow them to be there with you, and even invite them into your experience. This way, they will flee faster. Trust me. It works. Hang in there! We wouldn’t stay sober if it wasn’t worth the hell in the beginning.

  3. The “place” your head is at right now can be serious. I suggest you try to not think of what “used to be”, what “we can’t have anymore”, and start thinking of what sobriety has brought you. New friends, new faith and strength to overcome anything life throws at you. You are a strong person, or you wouldn’t be where you are at. Keep thinking sobriety. Here’s something I wrote about where you’re at right now. God bless you and keep up the good work. http://artmowle64.wordpress.com/?s=bored

  4. Your blog has been an inspiration. You are an inspiration. I have no advice other than to say that you are obviously a strong person or you wouldn’t be where you are now. God I know the feeling of new sober experiences are hard but man coming from a newer-to-sobriety perspective, and thus being more fresh , the negative consequences of drinking SUCK! All the best.

  5. I once heard a saying, “if you’re board then you must be boring.”

    I was slightly offended by such a statement but in hindsight it was true. What I got out of it was that being sober is what you make of it. For me, staying “in the now” and not giving “what it was like” or “being sober” too much power makes me feel better.

    If your feet are firmly planted on the ground, you can’t run.

    • 6 months is early. I spent some time last night after my meeting talking to a guy who has 27 years. 6 months is a drop in the bucket. Not that it has been easy getting here.

  6. This is an interesting post, and I really appreciate your honesty. It’s good because it offers me a realistic perspective on what I can expect – that even in six months I will still feel much like I do now; the desire to drink will continue, and the questions about sobriety will remain. I can say though that, even as I daily desire to drink (not in a desperate I-need-a-drink-now craving way, but more in an abstract shouldn’t-I-try-to-drink-like-a-normal-person way), I can’t imagine that I could ever really go back to regular drinking. Now that I’ve learned how good it feels to wake up feeling healthy and fit, I can’t imagine finding it acceptable to go back to waking up with a massive hangover several times a week. And that’s just the physical side…
    Good luck, Sober Learning, and hang in there. I’m really enjoying reading your story and learning what lies ahead of me 🙂

    • The desire to drink has lessened, it is the thinking about drinking that is annoying. I don’t really want a drink, but I am so tired of those moments that creep in where I see a pretty drink, or I watch the Beach Boys on TV and it reminds me of drinking.
      Staying sober in a drinking world is a lot more work than drinking in a drinking world.
      So I let myself have a pity party of a day. Got up the next day, changed my thinking, and on I went into another day of sobriety.
      The work is worth it, I just need to remind myself of that, and not get bogged down in the other stuff.
      Stay strong!

  7. I feel ya on this one, SL. But look at your name – sober learning. We are all learning. I don’t have the answers. Even the guy with 27 years doesn’t have them all. He probably has seen and experienced a bit more than you and I, but he’s no different than you and I. The waiting sucks, I will grant you that. But at the end of the day, have you done what you needed to do to stay sober, connected to your HP, etc? We move closer to the drink or further away from it. We act. We hold forth faith. We move with the tide knowing that these things shall pass. We are in awareness and unpeel things as needed. At two months I was still a right mess. At six months I was kind of where you were at. I think i was just starting to get my land legs around that time…but still, there is so much more to go. And it’s a groovy journey…fraught with emotional rollercoasters and such, but we grow and stretch and continue moving forward until that day when head meets pillow and the thought occurs “Hey, I didn’t think about a drink today”.

    it will come…you keep working at it…and it will come.

    🙂

    • Thank you so much Paul. Your insights are always spot on. You are right, sobriety is like the ocean rolling in and slipping back out. It is a shape shifter. I just have to get used to the ups and downs of the waiting, and not knowing. When I was drinking, I always knew I would feel like shit. I had to work hard to have a good day. Now that I am sober, my expectations are higher, and when I have a day that isn’t so great, I begin to question my choice to give up alcohol. Why do this? What am I getting out of it?
      I took some of the advice given at my meeting on Monday night, I got a good night’s sleep, sobriety shape shifted again, and yesterday was a better day.
      Today? It has just started, but I started with a gratitude, so I am on my way to a better day.
      Plus, I just saw a water skier go swooping by, it is only 7:30 am, what a gorgeous site! Wish I had my camera at the ready. (I’ll bet the water skier doesn’t have a hang over!)
      🙂

  8. I know exactly what you mean. I am nearing the 5 month mark, and Am still waiting for “something” to happen. I was in a restaurant the other evening, you know the kind, all smart and bustling, groups of beautiful people sipping drinks, laughing and having fun. While I was quietly sitting there with my water. (Don’t believe in mocktails) Looking at my husband. Desperately wanting to leave. Trying to look ok with it all. Thinking, “WHAT is wrong with me???? I have completely messed this up!!! I will never be able to part of that again, I am the proverbial PARTY
    POOPER!” We quickly ate and left. Not ready yet for mixed company I guess. Still waiting.

    • I know that feeling. We are going out tonight. I hope I am past that, but I am not sure. I will report back. I have read, and they tell me at AA it gets easier, and until it does, just don’t go. Or make sure you have your own transportation so that you can leave when you feel uncomfortable. I guess it takes more time, some have said a year. So, I am getting better, but I am still waiting also.

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