Nervous, Afraid, Agitated, Apprehensive, Concerned….

Road Trip.

My Virginia road trip is less than 48 hours away.

I have had more than my normal allotment of telephone conversations with my mother over the last few days leading up to my departure.  I can  feel the negative energy that I am going into through the telephone, it is always there, but knowing I am driving into it is causing me distress.  I feel jumpy. bothered, distressed and uneasy.

I have to continuously remind myself that she is a broken individual, and nothing makes her happy, least of all ME.

She is of the epitome of “if you have nothing nice to say, come sit next to me.”

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I am trying hard to break that cycle of negativity in my own thinking and living.  I am learning to let go, be more positive, and practice patience, all which will be sorely tested in the week to come.

On a positive note, I have the support of my brother and sister in law.

My sister in law sent me the most beautiful card for my 6 month mark.  I was a huge surprise, as we are not that close, but it made me realize that I have a strong ally in her.

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My brother has posted a few inspirational memes on my Facebook page, which makes me feel that he also understands what I am trying to do.

I have loaded my sober toolbox with things that I think will help:  (I am going to make a list, like taking a new path, love lists, you should see the ones I have for this trip)

  • Scott R, AA speaker loaded on my Ipod  for runs and car rides
  • all important and relevant web pages bookmarked for easy access
  • Chapter 5 of the Big Book loaded on my Ipod
  • Big Book, 12 & 12, and a Women’s Way through the 12 Steps ready to be packed
  • Sober notebook ready to be packed
  • the beautiful 6 month sober necklace my running buddy gave me is around my neck (it has super powers I think)
  • my sponsor on speed dial
  • a place to stay should I feel that I need to pack it in and leave in a hurry
  • soda water, cranberry pomegranate juice and lemons ready to go in the cooler
  • my extremely supportive non drinking step mother at the ready to take telephone calls (she lives with the other parental alcoholic, my father

(If anyone has any suggestions for more tools, PLEASE leave them in the comments, more is better.  A suit of armor would be best.)

I hope that I am making a bigger deal of spending this time with my mother than it will really be.

Unfortunately, history shows that I am not, but I have never had 6 months of sobriety under my belt to throw at the situation.

This visit will be living life on life’s terms, feeling feelings, and one minute at a time.

 

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23 thoughts on “Nervous, Afraid, Agitated, Apprehensive, Concerned….

  1. Do you ever listen to the bubble hour? It’s excellent.
    Moms are triggers.
    Try to not get overly hungry or tired, even if that means eating candy or chocolate bars. Everything is easier to deal with if you are calm and steady.

    • Yes I do listen to the Bubble Hour. I know, the mom thing, I really hope that my kids never dread coming to visit me. I do not want to be her, part of my reason for getting sober.

  2. great list here 😉 I love all your sober weapons especially the having somewhere planned to go if you just can’t take it. That is genius. The ultimate self protective mechanism.

    I am thinking of armour…if I have a tricky situation to deal with I often wear particular clothes in which I feel really secure, comfortable, and respectable. I have one jacket in particular which makes me feel invincible. Don’t know if you’re a perfume sort of person but in some circumstances a squirt of something gorgeous can also be bolstering…

    One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was to carry a photo with you of someone you love. At dark moments taking out a photo of a happy time can remind you what life is really about. Or even how about a photo of you, happy and sober?

    Keep in touch. You have planned so well. Hope it is easier than you anticipate – as you say having six months under your belt makes a HUGE difference 🙂 xxx

    • He is great I loved him. I plowed through all of his stuff. I am glad you liked it.
      You ideas for sober armour are great. I will give them all a try. Anything that could work will be given a shot. 🙂

  3. Soberlearning, you are doing so much by not simply holding your breath and hoping for the best…you’re prepared and in tune with your feelings. I have confidence in you:) Good luck!

  4. I don’t think this is really advice or armoury, but just on the subject of moms as triggers… they do, even when well intentioned, have the ability to to reduce you to feeling like a 12 yr old girl in seconds (mine does anyway, and we genuinely have a good relationship). Sometimes I find if I’m aware of that, if I’m just able to notice it as it’s happening, I can think to myself, ok, there’s a little girl in me who is feeling hurt, but somehow at the same time the grown up in me (and it turns out there is one, yay!) is able to stay calm. I was really nervous about seeing my mum, even though we do have a good relationship, so I can totally understand your trepidation. I’m not sure I could have done it then if things were difficult. Good luck! I think your sober armoury list is fab! xxx

  5. I’m so impressed with your plans! I did not plan for my recent trip and it didn’t end up as I had hoped. I was, as soberdry so aptly said, simply holding my breath and hoping for the best. Good luck with your mother. Mine makes me crazy, too.

    • I am sure I will have finger tips moments, but I think I may be okay. I was told not to allow her to take up residence in my head at least not until I get there. So I wrote it down and it went in the God box. We shall see.

    • Scott Redman is an inspirational, informative and funny AA speaker. I listen to him when i drive and run. YouTube has a great page called Odomtology, it is loaded with great speeches. Sandy Beach is another of my favorites. Check it out. 🙂

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