Last night I watched a movie I had seen before. Of course it was while I was drinking my way through a large bottle of wine. I can recall hating the movie, thinking the plot was ridiculous and the acting terrible. That being said, it was raining, and television really doesn’t offer much anymore, so I went with it.
As it began, I thought to myself, I am sure the plot will come back to me as I am watching, and I will remember it. NOPE.
There was only one scene I vaguely remembered.
Yes, the movie had a thin plot line, and Cameron Diaz is a terrible actress, but I did not hate the movie.
When it was over, this terrible feeling washed over me. It was my brain screaming, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING LOSER!
For years I have sat on the couch every evening with tumbler after tumbler of wine going down my throat, missing everything around me, purposely making it hazy or nonexistent. Conversations, movies, interactions with my kids and spouse. All in a haze.
Yes, I was there, but I really wasn’t.
I can recall getting irrationally angry, yelling, screaming, laughing, crying, making slurry telephone calls, and sending stupid emails all in my “I’m not really that drunk, drunken stupor.” I would wake up every morning, and have to replay the events of the past evening in my head. Did I yell at someone? Did I get in a fight with the husband, the children? Was I slurring when I went to bed? Did I say something snarky and roll over in a huff to pass out?
What a waste of a life.
I frequently would tell myself that what I was doing wasn’t normal.
Normal people don’t start drinking mid afternoon and drink until the bottle is gone or 10 pm rolls around, which ever happens first.
Normal people don’t “pre-game” drinks in case one isn’t offered immediately upon arrival at an event.
Normal people don’t drink to get drunk EVERY FUCKING NIGHT.
Normal people remember conversations, events and what they say to their spouse or children.
I have wasted a lot of time being a drunken loser.
Time I will never get back.
It makes me feel terrible.