I am a DRUNKEN LOSER

 

loser

Last night I watched a movie I had seen before.  Of course it was while I was drinking my way through a large bottle of wine.  I can recall hating the movie, thinking the plot was ridiculous and the acting terrible.  That being said, it was raining, and television really doesn’t offer much anymore, so I went with it.

As it began, I thought to myself, I am sure the plot will come back to me as I am watching, and I will remember it.  NOPE.

There was only one scene I vaguely remembered.

Yes, the movie had a thin plot line, and Cameron Diaz is a terrible actress, but I did not hate the movie.

When it was over, this terrible feeling washed over me.  It was my brain screaming, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING LOSER!  

For years I have sat on the couch every evening with tumbler after tumbler of wine going down my throat, missing everything around me, purposely making it hazy or nonexistent.  Conversations, movies, interactions with my kids and spouse.  All in a haze.

Yes, I was there, but I really wasn’t.

I can recall getting irrationally angry, yelling, screaming, laughing, crying, making slurry telephone calls, and sending stupid emails all in my “I’m not really that drunk, drunken stupor.”   I would wake up every morning, and have to replay the events of the past evening in my head.  Did I yell at someone?  Did I get in a fight with the husband, the children?  Was I slurring when I went to bed?  Did I say something snarky and roll over in a huff to pass out?

What a waste of a life.  

I frequently would tell myself that what I was doing wasn’t normal.

Normal people don’t start drinking mid afternoon and drink until the bottle is gone or 10 pm rolls around, which ever happens first.

Normal people don’t “pre-game” drinks in case one isn’t offered immediately upon arrival at an event.

Normal people don’t drink to get drunk EVERY FUCKING NIGHT.

Normal people remember conversations, events and what they say to their spouse or children.

I have wasted a lot of time being a drunken loser.

Time I will never get back.

It makes me feel terrible.

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42 thoughts on “I am a DRUNKEN LOSER

  1. Ugh it’s difficult – yes, we’ll never get that time back but it’s done now. You saw that way of life wasn’t working & you’ve made a change – feel proud of that 🙂

  2. I understand that but take a good look at where you are now and get on with today. We all have regrets of some sort or another but can decide what and how we define ourselves now. You may feel that it is lost time, ok. DOn’t let it take any more of your time now. I am choosing to live for today with hopes for tomorrow too. Have you found Today’s Step app and have you found the Women for Sobriety website? Just suggestions, both have been very helpful to me over the past few year and then some. Hang in there, thanks for posting.

    • Thank you so much for the app recommendation. I downloaded it to my phone and tablet, I love it. I will be hanging in, just venting a bit. I will have to take a look at the website too. I have so many bookmarked now, I may have already been on it.

  3. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! You are fighting an addiction and sometimes it takes more than one try until we wrap our head around it. Honesty has a lot to with it, so in my eyes you are going to be a future winner 🙂

  4. I think that voice is the reptilian part of your brain trying to trick you into drinking again. Losers don’t recognize an addiction and take steps to overcome it or work their asses off for 8 months to reclaim their lives. Losers don’t deal with difficult shit from their past or help people in the present, from family members to strangers like me. Your blog helps me every time I read it and I sincerely admire your insight and courage. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. I hope this dark cloud passes quickly.

  5. Don’t feel terrible! What’s done is done.
    You have today to live! And that’s what really matters. Now. Today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

    Your story is my story. I know there are lots of movies and books waiting to be re watched and reread because they were lost in a alcoholic haze.

    I was just enduring then. Now I’m living and present and so frigging grateful that I’m not missing out on another minute!

    Yes! I choose life!!!

  6. As I started watching Season 2 of Orange is the New Black, I was confused why I couldn’t remember some of the last episodes of the last season. They referred to some parts that I forgot. Then I realized I was drunk the last episode. I would sit home with my housemates binge watching shows and binge drinking. It seemed fun at the time by now i realize “what a waste!” I had to go back and rewatch last seasons last episodes and happily thought the show is even better sober.

  7. Anne is right. Don’t feel terrible. What’s done is done. the best thing is that you are seeing everything so clearly now. I love the no-rose-tinted glasses nature of this post. Keep it coming xxxx

  8. I know exactly how you feel. You are not a loser. You are in the midst of an epic battle with something that is so insidious and devious that you’ll never know when it will hit you. Do not cut yourself down because of it, please. It doesn’t help (I know from experience, believe me). Just do what you can today, and if you lose another skirmish, well, at least you gave it a fight. Each fight will eventually lead to winning the battle; it may take some time, but we will get there. 🙂

    • It just hit me, at the end of that movie, all the time I have wasted, memories I could have had if I hadn’t been drunk. I wish I had listened to myself 10 years ago, and stopped then. I am not drinking now, which is great. I was just having a pity party for what I have missed.

      • I sometimes start to mourn the loss of those years too. It took me a long time to quit after I knew I had a problem. A long time.
        But this has made me into the person I am today. I still accomplished lots of things in those years, as did you I expect.
        It’s easy to see the wasted time, but don’t forget everything else.

      • Thanks Anne. Sometimes I can’t see the forest for the trees. Perspective. I wasn’t always completely present in the evenings but I was there all day. Hang over or not.

  9. Your not a loser!!! Just start again and remember how shit you feel right now next time you are tempted to reach for the bottle again. Hang in there we are going to get through this, ALL of us xoxoxo

  10. I could have written those words,I was sitting right next to you. Not anymore. We can’t live on regrets or past behavior. We only have the now and it kicks major ass! You are not a loser, you’ve won back your life.

  11. I completely understand and relate – having had all those feelings – but try not to be so hard on yourself. It’s not you being a loser. It’s you having been addicted to a powerfully addictive substance. The flip side is, at least so I’ve found on my longer stretches sober, is that this can translate into a powerful drive to want to get shit done, make life more meaningful, and make up for lost time, which can be a truly wonderful part of getting sober. Just stop beating yourself up ok? xx

  12. Oh wow – this could so have been written about me. I can relate exactly to the way you feel, but you’ve taken the steps to advance your life, which definitely means you are not a looser. Keep it up. You’re winning your battle already 🙂

  13. I can relate to these feelings of regret, and frequently beat myself up over mistakes of the past. Sometimes the enormity of it just hits you. But it doesn’t help, it soooo doesn’t help, and I am rubbish at taking the advice I am so freely handing out. I’m reading Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance at the moment, and am have just finished the bit about forgiveness, about finding forgiveness for yourself and for others. So hard to do. But I think you should remember that it is the booze, not you, that took that time from you… and it happens to so many of us… you are not alone in this experience, and if you are a loser, then so is a good portion of the human race. Maybe we are just human. Hugs. xxx

  14. I also could have written that post. 😦 I am likely to reread it when I’m tempted to drink. I know that ultimately we need to forgive ourselves and move forward, but for me remembering is what will keep me on track. Don’t dwell, don’t beat yourself up, but regret makes sense to me. You’ve got this! The quality of the lives we’ll lead and the appreciation we’ll have for it will be the “gifts” we get for experiencing the struggle and hard times.

  15. “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before
    we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
    **We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it**. We will comprehend the word
    serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we
    will see how our experience can benefit others” pg. 83-84 BB

    The one thing I had to do was forgive myself for who and what I was / did. It didn’t happen overnight, and it was only after doing some amends was I able to see clearly that I wasn’t a loser and that I was just sick and that was how I did things. I didn’t know any better. Doesn’t mean I absolve myself of responsibility for what I did – that was one thing the amends helped me claim, but I can’t beat myself up now for who I was then. It’s wasted energy, and yeah, once in a while I might wince at an old memory of some boneheaded thing I did, I don’t give it much room. The great thing about all that crap, as mentioned in the step 9 promises I quoted above, is that we can use those experiences to help others who are struggling with similar things. That’s where, in some twisted way, I am thankful for what I did – I am able to help someone else.

    Be kind to yourself, my friend 🙂

    • Thanks Paul. I am working on all of that. Sometimes the emotions of the moment overwhelm me, and it is easier to let it go by putting it down on paper. (I love the new look on your blog!)

  16. You are definitely NOT a drunken loser, and even when you were drinking, you were still a wonderful deserving person trying to find her way through an addiction. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts; I learn a lot from your blog. But be good to yourself! Hugs.

  17. My line is “If every drink I drank, every breath I took, got me to right where I am today, I would not change a thing.” Yes, the booze took its toll, and it really sucks. But there really is no use crying over spilled milk, as it were. The longer I stay sober, the more strongly I feel about all of this.

    By the way, I spent two weeks in London/Ireland when I was drinking. The only thing I remember is Jameson’s Irish Whiskey and what the inside of pubs look like. I am now sitting in hotel of sorts in Caraz, Peru, just got back from dinner with some fantastic Peruvian friends and colleagues. Life is good, today. The more one-day-at-a-times I live through the more wonderful it becomes. So it goes.

  18. Ugh! I have done this exact sme thing and I hate it, so ready to move on, saw some pictures taken a while ago and I don’t LOOK wasted but I was and only remember parts of the night. This is another reason to stay sober….

  19. I so resonate with this! I can’t remember the last time I saw a film through to the end. I hate when my husband starts discussing a programme we started watching together the night before and he asks “Do you remember that bit – were you awake then?” The shame of it!

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