I am at my mother’s. As I have stated before I find this relationship to be difficult, she apparently does not. She has no cognitive awareness of how mean and nasty she is. I have always known, but was usually have in the wrapper so the vision of it had blurred edges.
Now I am sober, and I am seeing it with sharp, clear eyes, and it is really ugly.
Her responses to the most mundane questions are sharp and filled with anger.
I knew this would be the case, so I asked my sponsor how to handle these situations. She told me that no matter what happens, keep my side of the street clean. I am.
I am responding to every caustic remark with:
Why are you speaking to me that way?
Why are you so angry?
Why don’t you CALM DOWN and we can talk about it.
So far it has diffused her. It has been a lot of work, but it is working, and I am riding the street cleaner to victory, SO FAR.
I am in the midst of working on my fourth step, so this visit is coming at a fortuitous time. It is showing me so many reasons why I carry many of my resentments and fears.
As I have said before, my mother is an active alcoholic. I learned all I know about how and when to drink from her and my father.
The first night here, it hit me like a load of bricks WHY I drank while sitting in front of stupid, blathering television shows, it is because SHE does. It was like someone walked into the room and hit me in the head with a wine bottle. DUH!! It was so CLEAR and scary, that I had to leave the room and retire. I visualized myself sitting in that chair, age 79, sipping from that same overflowing wine glass, staring glassily at the television. I shuddered. That WAS me.
It no longer is, thanks to my HP thanks to AA, thanks to my continuously supportive sponsor, M, and all of you wonderful sober bloggers.
On to another day of trying to be a better person, and picking up the trash as I go.