Doing the right thing with RESENTMENTS!!!

56467-48128I am struggling a lot in this care-giver/daughter role I am in here.

I know I am doing the right thing, but I have big, huge, woolly mammoth sized RESENTMENTS!

I resent the fact that both my brothers lives are going along as normal.  One went out to dinner Friday night, and then went to a vineyard yesterday.

The other one, who lives overseas went to a farmer’s market, the playground with his two year old, and out for lunch and drinks.

I know I am doing the right thing, but I am MAD!

I was supposed to go to a medical staff party on the beach, go to a friends summer cottage on the water for the weekend, and run a 5k road race today.

I know I am doing the right thing, but the RESENTMENTS keep closing in.

I went to a meeting yesterday, it was a woman’s meeting.  It was awesome, they give out monthly chips, I got an 8 month one!  On 8/30, when I am STILL HERE, doing the right thing, I will collect a 9 month one.  So, I have that going for me.

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My husband, who I often feel is an emotional vacuum, got up early and went to the check in at the road race and got my shirt for me.  He called me first thing this morning to tell me.  I cried, and then felt a huge RESENTMENT about being here, and doing the right thing.

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Today is 260 days.  I always try to do something special for myself on days that end with zeros.

I am going to an aerial silks class at 2 pm.  Something for me.  Something to get me out of this apartment, alone.  Something fun.  Something that may help to take away some of the detritus of these major RESENTMENTS.

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If I keep saying it over and over, maybe my attitude will change:

I know I am doing the right thing, I know I am doing the right thing, I know I am doing the right thing….

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Doing the right thing with RESENTMENTS!!!

  1. That class looks fun!! Do what feels right to you, but make sure to take some time for yourself, too. Let someone else shoulder the responsibility for awhile if you can. You are really strong to be able to help your mother like this; don’t forget it!

  2. Congrats on 8 months! My sobriety date is Dec. 23rd. I have enjoyed recently finding and following your blog. I like your frankness.

    I hope when the time comes, I can support my mom when she needs it – even though we don’t have a fairy tale parent-child relationship either.

  3. oh honey…

    just catching up on your blog.
    You have a lot on your plate and i love how you are writing it out and then doing something good for yourself! That is amazing recovery, good for you.
    doing the right thing is hard, hard, hard.
    my parents both declined dreadfully while i was still drinking, both died whir i was still drinking.
    i do living amends every day, but i wish i could have treated them better, with more love and kindness. “we shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”…it’s a hard one, regrets. But I really get this because when i can let go of them not only am i more at peace but others in my life benefit. I need to remember, but not DWELL….

    you are doing an honorable thing being thee for your mom. Good for you. allow that to work you, to open you and show you more and more about the person you are and are becoming.

    • Thanks for the kind word Mish. This has been a real challenge. I have so many mixed emotions. I keep trying to blog about it, but I don’t want to come across as a terrible person by saying what I really feel.
      I keep thinking about having a drink, but I am struggling so badly sober, it would be so much worse drunk and hung over.
      Progress not perfection right?

  4. I love the silks!!!! You are so brave. We used to have one of those facilities on the first floor of my building but I was always too intimidated to go…but dang you make it look fun!

    Love your smile.

    Sherry

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