I still can’t believe it.
Some thoughts about sobreity so far:
- I can’t believe it is day 290. In the early days if someone had said I would be sitting here still sober, AND in AA, I would have said something to the effect of…yeah right, sure, no way, and I AM NOT and alcoholic
- I never believed that it ACTUALLY DOES GET EASIER. Not all the time, not every day, but if I step back and look at the big picture, yes, it is easier.
- I white knuckled the first 73 days, but who was counting? I spent a lot of mental and emotional energy deciding to go or not to go to AA. Back and forth, back and forth. It was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made, but one of the best. I am still befuddled by a lot of the God and Higher Power stuff, but I am working MY program the only way I know how.
- Trying to find a sponsor was SO hard, but I found one right here in sober blogging land. We both took a leap of faith that this would work, and it has, beautifully. She is one of the most amazing, graceful, knowledgeable, and wonderful people I have ever met. She has helped me in ways I didn’t even know I needed help. I got very lucky, and as Paul would say, she is a God Shot, for sure!
- I worry about relapse at least once a day.
- I still have immense cravings at random times, overpowering, almost crippling, and they bring me to tears, because I want them GONE!
- I have my day count typed into my Google Calendar, it is the first thing I see on my phone every morning. It is the push I need to know I can get through one more day, I need to see one higher number the next morning. It is my reminder that it still is one day at a time.
- I am filling my God box with little slips of paper, but still somehow forget that I need to accept the things I can’t change. Then I realize the things I want to change are things I can’t change, even though I am working hard to get them to change. So that whole serenity thing is still an elusive butterfly I am running around the backyard trying to net.
- I am strong. I never would have used that adjective about myself, but now I do. I have been through so many things this summer where picking up a glass of wine would have been so easy. Yet I didn’t. I have tools that have made me strong, and they make it possible for me to fight against those urges. I didn’t feel that way 290 days ago, so I have that going for me.
- I am still working on the chronic people pleasing, and the self loathing. It is a daily thing, some days are better than others.
- Negative thinking is never going to get me where I want to be. I have to constantly remind myself of that. It is so easy to get pulled into that rabbit hole.
- I am learning to keep my head where my feet are.
- The best for last: MY HUSBAND HAS STOPPED DRINKING TOO!! It is so much better this way. I don’t know if it will last, he is a “normie”, but I like it, and it feels like solidarity. Our relationship has improved immensely since I quit drinking, and it has gotten even better since he has stopped as well.
I still haven’t gotten my 9 month chip. I guess it will have to wait until my next visit with my home group. My sponsor passed on hers, which is awesome, but I would like my own. (My home group ones are cheesy poker chips, but still.)
75 days to one year.