290 Days Today

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I still can’t believe it.

Some thoughts about sobreity so far:

  • I can’t believe it is day 290.  In the early days if someone had said I would be sitting here still sober, AND in AA, I would have said something to the effect of…yeah right, sure, no way, and I AM NOT and alcoholic
  • I never  believed that it ACTUALLY DOES GET EASIER.  Not all the time, not every day, but if I step back and look at the big picture, yes, it is easier.
  • I white knuckled the first 73 days, but who was counting?  I spent a lot of mental and emotional energy deciding to go or not to go to AA. Back and forth, back and forth.  It was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made, but one of the best.  I am still befuddled by a lot of the God and Higher Power stuff, but I am working MY program the only way I know how.
  • Trying to find a sponsor was SO hard, but I found one right here in sober blogging land. We both took a leap of faith that this would work, and it has, beautifully.  She is one of the most amazing, graceful, knowledgeable, and wonderful people I have ever met. She has helped me in ways I didn’t even know I needed help. I got very lucky, and as Paul would say, she is a God Shot, for sure!
  • I worry about relapse at least once a day.
  • I still have immense cravings at random times, overpowering, almost crippling, and they bring me to tears, because I want them GONE!
  • I have my day count typed into my Google Calendar, it is the first thing I see on my phone every morning.  It is the push I need to know I can get through one more day, I need to see one higher number the next morning.  It is my reminder that it still is one day at a time.
  • I am filling my God box with little slips of paper, but still somehow forget that I need to accept the things I can’t change.  Then I realize  the things I want to change are things I can’t change, even though I am working hard to get them to change. So that whole serenity thing is still an elusive butterfly I am running around the backyard trying to net.
  • I am strong.  I never would have used that adjective about myself, but now I do.  I have been through so many things this summer where picking up a glass of wine would have been so easy.  Yet I didn’t.  I have tools that have made me strong, and they make it possible for me to fight against those urges.  I didn’t feel that way 290 days ago, so I have that going for me.
  • I am still working on the chronic people pleasing, and the self loathing.  It is a daily thing, some days are better than others.
  • Negative thinking is never going to get me where I want to be. I have to constantly remind myself of that.  It is so easy to get pulled into that rabbit hole.
  • I am learning to keep my head where my feet are.
  • The best for last:  MY HUSBAND HAS STOPPED DRINKING  TOO!!  It is so much better this way.  I don’t know if it will last, he is a “normie”, but I like it, and it feels like solidarity.  Our relationship has improved immensely since I quit drinking, and it has gotten even better since he has stopped as well.

I still haven’t gotten my 9 month chip.  I guess it will have to wait until my next visit with my home group.  My sponsor passed on hers, which is awesome, but I would like my own.  (My home group ones are cheesy poker chips, but still.)

75 days to one year.

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26 thoughts on “290 Days Today

  1. this is awesome!
    so happy for you.
    and how I love learning to keep my head where my feet are”….
    that is going to be my next tattoo, if i ever get the courage…

    HERE on one foot, NOW on the other.

  2. You rock, kiddo! Consider yourself seriously hugged by this old guy with the gray beard and the funny looking dog. And I will let you know right up front that Joy and I are sober tipping 4 1/2 years because we both quit the same month. We knew that was the only way if we were going to make it even as far as we have to date. I’m so grateful your husband stepped into the fray. My prayer is that he will abstain simply for your sake — you know, that whole “in sickness and in health” thingy.

    • I am not sure where I am lacking,it is mental right now. It may be the stress of my mom, and my brother who has an ego the size of an elephant and is making issues out of things that are SO unimportant in the big picture.
      The butterfly is heading south right now. My net is back in the garage.

  3. We are close!
    My sober date is dec 1 2013.

    I love your list. Mine would be very similar.

    Most cravings I deal with come in the form of intense anxiety. They don’t come too often, but they still scare me. I’ve been trying to lean into them. To absorb the panic. Somehow it works better than fighting it.

    Keep at it! I am.

    Anne

  4. Loved reading this today! Gave me hope. I’d love to know just some little things that have changed about your day to day life – routines, activities, staying in more, social events, etc.

    Keep up the great work!!

    • About my day. I wake up, and don’t lie in bed running my tongue over my teeth to see how much fur is there to indicated how much I drank. Nor do I start my day with self loathing.
      I wake up, after having slept mostly great. Sober sleep is amazing. I am just under a lot of stress so I am not sleeping as well as I was. I have an amazing amount of energy, and get so much more done. I run almost every day. Now I go farther, longer and run way better. My day is filled with activities, gardening, yard work, shopping etc.
      Evenings are my favorite time now. I no longer feel that NEED to pour a drink at 4 or 5. I am engaged in making a nice dinner, cleaning up, and reading. I read, and REMEMBER what I have read. I read well into the night. I used to set a 10 pm bedtime so that I wouldn’t be hung over. (Yeah sure) Now I read until I am tired, which is anywhere to from 11-12am.
      It is a so much nicer way of life, and I wish I had done it 20 years ago.
      I hope that answers your question.

      • Yes, it does. I love it. Thanks so much :). I am looking forward to my Friday night – running then cuddling with my Chihuahuas and watching a movie.

  5. WAY TO GO!!! It’s great to hear you talk about white knuckling it there for a while too, since that is where I am now. Not great that you had to go through it, but nice to be able to relate and know I’m not alone. Congratulations!!!

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