Another Road Trip

Tomorrow I leave for Missouri to visit with my mother.  I am taking my 23 year old son with me.

I am not feeling great joy about this trip as I feel it is going to be my goodbye to her.  It is actually killing me.  With each piece of clothing I put in the suitcase I feel more sick.  As if not packing, not having to go would change the circumstances of her life and mine.

It is daily reminders that are doing me in.  Calling her, making her laugh, and then listening to the her cough so hard she can’t catch her breath.  Having her tell me she can’t walk down the hall without stopping to sit down.  Knowing that the fluid is going to return to her lungs and another procedure will  need to be done.

Her friends sending me messages via Facebook, asking about her condition, and having to answer with the god awful truth.

Calling the oncologist nurse from Virginia to update her on the situation.  Asking her to relay a message to her Doctor there that he didn’t really loose the battle with her and  quitting chemo for the leukemia, it wouldn’t have done any good anyway.

Calling the bank to deal with her finances, and the tellers asking about her, because they loved her so much.

Repeatedly having to tell the story to someone at least once a day.

This trip was going to be simple, in the beginning.  It has now turned into a family reunion.  This is bittersweet.  It will be great to see everyone, but it has eliminated the possibility of any time alone with her.  We spoke about it today, neither of us think we will be able to sneak away.  I am so thankful for the time I got in August, even though she was so sick.

I finally told her the truth about my recovery.  I told her I go to AA, and that I am an alcoholic.  I gave her an abbreviated version, but I did finally admit it to her.

She told me she completely understood addiction.  Even with Stage IV, non-curable, non-treatable lung cancer she would smoke a cigarette given the chance.

I guess the saying should be:

ADDICTION, CUNNING, BAFFLING, POWERFUL.

2014-10-14 10.53.07

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10 thoughts on “Another Road Trip

  1. Wanting to wrap you up in a big cuddle!!!! TELL the others that you both want some alone time they will understand. Sorry to be so blunt but this sounds like the last chance you will get to have some and it is damn important that you both get it. Even if you have to fill your son in on a plan to make it happen, he is old enough to understand it is not being selfish it is taking a moment to yourselves that you both deserve. Please don’t take my words wrong I just feel the importance of this. xoxoxoxo

  2. Damn, I have no idea what to say. I have no experience in this so I have no advice to give. If this truly is the end, just be there. Say ya love her. Hold her hand. Listen. I guess those are the things I will be doing one day with my folks. Just wanted to send you prayers and blessings and virtual hugs.

    I will be thinking of you guys
    Paul

  3. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, I am/we are right now in a similar position and it makes me feel so helpless. My Sister in law is dying from stage IV cancer as well and every night I hope her suffering will be finally over. Sending you a big hug

  4. Oh, sweetie…
    this is so hard and I am so sorry.
    I’ll any of can do is hold you close i our thoughts and prayers…
    i hope that this trip is helpful for you and for her. that you are able to say what you need to say.
    you have already shown her how much you love her by the way you are there for her, doing all of those things. telling her about AA, having that moment about addiction…brave and beautiful. sounds like nothing will be left unsaid, and that’s all any of us can ask for.
    please keep posting; we are all here to listen
    big hugs

  5. So sorry I am just seeing this…and so sorry you have to go through this.

    I wish you love, a clear heart and mind and most of all…I wish you peace as you travel this awful journey.

    You’re in my prayers.

    Sherry

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