DAY 365

s_Medallions_AA_Bill_&_Bob_Tri-Color_Enamel_Medallion_1031Holy f**kballs, I made it.

Imagine that.  Maybe some of you thought I would, but I really had my doubts.

I have had a trying year, getting sober, my son moving back in with us, my husbands father being old and ornery, and my mother receiving two terminal cancer diagnosis within two months of each other.

I spent the summer either in New York helping to care for my father in law, or in Virginia caring for my mother, then helping her move.

I logged a lot of miles on the road this summer.  From Tennessee to Virginia to New York, back to Virginia, back to New York, and then at the end of September back to Tennessee.

I have been to Missouri twice to visit my mother since we moved her there from Virginia.

My son has had countless interviews, and yet still no job.  I have had to put on my big girl panties, and I have given him a deadline to move out.  This alternates between breaking my heart, and not happening soon enough.

I have hardly seen my daughter this year, due to all of the above turmoil, which breaks my heart.

Through all of this really shitty shit, I have remained sober.  Some days it was easier than others.  On the bad days, I tackled it like I would a really steep hill when I am running.  I just put my head down and leaned into it.

Here is a list of some of the things I have learned in the last 365 days, in no particular order.

  • Getting sober during the holidays is rough, I have no idea why I decided on 11/30/2013 that it was the day, but I did, and dealt with my first set of sober holidays.  It was hard, and it sucked.
  • I am glad I had my first set of sober holidays last year, this year will be better, and I may even enjoy myself.
  • If and when you go to AA, you have to ASK someone to be your sponsor. Apparently not a man though. Who knew??
  • There should be a small manual that goes with The Big Book.  It should have tips, such as, how to act at meetings, what all the acronyms stand for, what the AA terminology means, which meetings give out chips, how often they are given out, and why all the meetings you attend have a different format for readings, prayers, and protocol.  It would make it easier for newbies.
  • The first few days, weeks, and months of sobriety suck big time.
  • I never thought it would get better.  I didn’t believe anybody when they told me it would get better.
  • It gets better, WAY better.
  • You have to commit completely to being sober, if you don’t, you will drink again.
  • There are many days when I wish I could have A glass of wine.  ONE, UNO.  But I know where that would go, and I have already been there.
  • I still haven’t told my husband all the gory details of my drinking.  It comes out a little at a time.
  • I am ashamed at having let my drinking get away from me.  I come from a family of alcoholics, I should have known better.
  • Stepping into my first AA meeting was really fucking scary.
  • I still get hives when I speak at AA.  It is so hard for me to share…
  • I love my sponsor, she is the best.
  • I struggle with the concept of a higher power, but when I think about everything that has happened over the last year, I have to admit that SOMETHING IS AT WORK!!!
  • I wish I had kept track of how many books I have read in the last year.  It is often more than one a week.  It is great to read and REMEMBER!!
  • My bed is now my favorite place in my whole house.  It no longer signifies laziness, and being hung over.  I do not feel guilty sitting on it or lying on it during the day.  I am only there because I WANT to be not because I HAVE to be.
  • I am still afraid every day that I am going to relapse and be a worse drunk than I was.
  • We all have our own way of living one day at a time.
  • I love the AA meeting slogan, “Take what you want,and leave the rest.”
  • I have not made it all the way through The Big Book.  It is too dated, and has to many references to God.
  • My relationship with my husband is 1000% better.  It is amazing that he isn’t the humongous asshole that I thought he was when I was drinking.
  • In fact, I was the asshole.
  • I try not to spend to much time wishing I had gotten sober 10 years ago.  Sometimes I go there and think of the person I might have been.  Would she be a better version of me?
  • I am still searching for some of the illusive feelings, such as, happy, joyous and free, acceptance, and patience.
  • Progress not perfection is my mantra.

I have butterflies in my stomach about reaching this monumental goal.  I hope the coming year is as full of good change as this year has been.

I am also grateful to each and every person that has visited my blog and helped in my journey to sobriety.  Thank you for all the likes and comments, they have helped me immeasurably.

Everyone who blogs about their battle with this disease is helpful, and I thank all of you, I have my morning coffee with  you, and I spend the last hour of my night with you.  I have “taken what I wanted, and left the rest.”

If you are thinking about getting sober, or new at this sober thing,I have a few people who were instrumental in helping me get where I am today, Paul at Message in a Bottle, Christy at Running on Sober and my mentor, savior, confidant, counselor, and teacher Maggie at Sober Courage.  Thank you all.

Happy One Year to Me!!!

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32 thoughts on “DAY 365

  1. What a great list. I am the same age and a month behind you. My sober date is 12/31/13. I am still having a hard time wishing I’d done this 10 years ago. Jealous of all the young people getting sober when their kids are too young to remember their drinking. Or before they have kids. I have a lifetime (or half a lifetime, as the case may be) of amends to my son ahead of me. Congrats to you and all the best.

    • Congratulations to you for getting this far. It is tough. The Promises say, “We shall not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it.” That is a tough one, I am working on it.
      Looking forward to your 1 year!

  2. You did it! I’ve been waiting for this post since I started following your blog. You give me, and I’m sure many others, hope and inspiration. Awesome job on One Year! Keep that shit up!

  3. Happy one year to you and a big CONGRATULATIONS! What a great accomplishment. Tomorrow is day 30 for me, and I pray that I am in the same position as you are 11 months from now. One day at a time:). I’m reading a great book right now by Tommy Rosen called Recovery 2.0 Move Beyond Addiction And Upgrade Your Life. It has an amazing section on the 12 steps!
    Thank you for sharing your wisdom!

  4. THIS IS AWESOME!!!
    I am so happy for you, and so glad you posted here with such honesty bout our journey.
    What you have been through in the last year might have driven anyone to drink, and yet, with grace and self-knowledge and reliance on others you have made it, a full 365 sober days.
    You have done an amazing job.
    And guess what?

    It keeps getting better!! promise!

  5. You have no idea how happy I am for you. Oh my god. So happy.

    Wanna hear something funny?

    Paul was the friend I messaged very early on to ask him if he knew some ladies who could be good sober penpals, not even bloggers, just like email resources. I told him you were super new to sobriety, but that I had a good feeling about you… I don’t think I ever even mentioned your name to him.

    How funny how the little universe works.

    So grateful and so happy for you! -c

  6. Congrats to you! Your trials and tribulations and honesty have been helpful to me with my sober journey. I will hit one year on 1/04/2015. I have handled some pretty crappy stuff these past eleven months and looking back realize that it is just life. In the past I would have found it cause to drink away the pain and sorrow. I have to admit though, the impending holidays has me on “high alert.” I wish I had one season under my belt. Keep blogging, and thank you for sharing.

  7. Congratulations! What a great accomplishment! And a great list, too. I’ve been reading your blog since your early posts, and I’m so glad you’re writing. I’m really grateful that you’re willing to talk about the things that are hard or sucky, and maybe that’s why you’ve been such an inspiration to me. I admire the strength and courage you’ve shown in keeping with this sober stuff even when things were really tough. Best wishes for the holidays and for your second fabulous year of being the fabulous sober you! xo

  8. Congratulations! This is a HUGE accomplishment and I’m very happy for you. Thank you for helping me on my journey with every post. I really appreciate everything that you’ve shared. Keep on keeping on! 🙂

  9. My heart overflowing with joy to read this post! You worked so hard for this and you did it! Woot woot! Your strength and determination is like no other. This past year, you have gone through life sober, no matter what was coming your way and you just kept pushing through. I love working with you and thank you so kindly for your trust and friendship! Woot woot to the next year of this great journey! Love you to moon and back!

  10. Congratulations. Your journey has been an inspiration to me. I’m one month behind you. I don’t blog but I bookmark posts that resonate and many of your posts are in that folder. I do hope you give yourself a great big treat for such an amazing accomplishment. Congrats and I look forward to reading more about your journey in long term recovery.

  11. This is Fan-friggin-tastic!!!! Congratulations!!! You’ve been such a role model out here to those who think they can’t go through crap and still stay sober. You have gone through some heavy shit in the last year and here you are…still sober!!!!

    Woo-hoo!!!

    Sherry

    PS – and for the record, I still respect that I could relapse, I have not read the Big Book all the way for the same reasons you mentioned, I was TERRIFIED at my first AA meeting, and my bed is also my favorite place in the whole house! Who knew?

    • Sisters in sobriety!! Now I have a different bed in a different room, but I still find the most peace there. I wonder why that is.
      I am going to hit up an AA meeting on Sunday night, here where we are vacationing (if that is what this is called), and I have butterflies already just thinking about walking into a room full of strangers. At least now I know I am an alcoholic, because I wasn’t when I went the first time. LOL!

  12. Congrats on your year. I meant to post yesterday but got caught up with the Grey Cup!
    You have lots of wisdom in this post. I, too, was the asshole. Amazing how I never noticed until way later.
    Here’s to a great year two and beyond!
    Anne

  13. Congratulations!!!! You are amazing and have been an inspiration to us all over the past year. You have had so much to cope with and yet still you hung on and rode it threw. Very proud to have you as part of my sober blogging family ❤

  14. I am late reading this so belated congratulations! I kept trying to read your page the past few weeks cause I knew you date was in November. So proud of you! It is crazy how it DOES get easier.
    “You have to commit completely to being sober, if you don’t, you will drink again.” Yep. I learned that from all the previous times I half-assed quit.
    Way to go!

  15. This is a great list. I, too, love my bed now and don’t feel guilty saying that. I think one of the biggest things that keeps me from drinking again is that I, too, am worried I’ll be a worse drunk than I already was.

    Thanks for putting all that into words. Congratulations on a year.

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