Circle of Life

I thought I was ready.  I had given him a deadline, told him he had to move out.  I did it to get him motivated to start looking for a real job.  To stop sitting around in his room “relaxing” on his days off, because the 29 hours a week at The Home Depot were so tiring.

I was wrong.  I was not ready.  I was surprised by the gut punch that packing, loading, unpacking and driving home delivered.  I was unsteady, emotional, and heartbroken.

The real surprise for me was how much this move triggered my wanting a drink, my NEEDING a drink.

We were in the hotel room in Indiana on Friday night,   I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands crying and craving a drink.  I wanted to get annihilated, I wanted the pain to go away.  I visualized myself getting home Sunday night and hitting the liquor cabinet and drinking its whole contents.

This thought process stunned me.  I hadn’t felt this way since the early days of sobriety.  I didn’t understand it.

We had finally grabbed the golden ring. This is what I had been working for with him for the past 5 years.  Graduate from college, get a great job, and move out.  I had been praying to my higher power, to the Universe, the ocean, and even God for this to happen for him.  He is so deserving of it.  I wanted this for him, this was the prize we had our eye on since the day he graduated from college, why was I feeling so rattled?

The weekend went by in a blur.  Moving him in, setting him up, and cleaning the place up.  It was suddenly Sunday morning, and he was dropping me off at Budget to pick up my rental for the long drive home.

Throughout the 9 hour drive home I kept going over the pro and con list regarding this move.  All evidence pointed at pro, the only con was my selfishness of wanting him closer to me.  I had to let go, I had to let him go, it is time, it is the Circle of Life.

In the circle of life
It’s the wheel of fortune
It’s the leap of faith
It’s the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

By the time I reached home, I was too tired to even think about drinking.  Day 418.

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8 thoughts on “Circle of Life

  1. Oh big hugs coming your way. You know what it is not just a case of you being selfish. It is natural for a mother to want to have their child around them. You have a close bond with him and there is nothing wrong with feeling like this at all. It is a greiving process as you step from one phase in your life’s together to the next. Start planning your next time together and think how much fun you are going to have catching up and all the stories, events that have happened during your time apart that you can share. Stay in touch even if it is via Facebook, text, email anyway that you can until you get to see each other again. I bet that he will be missing his Mum as well.

  2. oh i just want to gather you up in the biggest hug!
    i get it..i watched a uhaul drive away from my house almost 2 years ago and fell apart. But he is ready…he is. We just have to catch up. I have, our relationship is stronger than ever, he is thriving and i am happy for my kid. You will be too….give yourself a little time. and don’t be hard on yourself for your feelings, completely normal!
    congratulations though….you obviously did GREAT, yes?

  3. Oh such a big lump in my throat right now. I wish I could just sit with you and we could reminisce about our kids, sip some tea, and commiserate together.

    My husband grew up on a farm and whenever an animal or even a person dies he chimes in with, “Oh well, it’s the circle of life after all.”

    To the farm boy I always reply…

    Fuck the circle of life.

    Sherry

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