I thought I was ready. I had given him a deadline, told him he had to move out. I did it to get him motivated to start looking for a real job. To stop sitting around in his room “relaxing” on his days off, because the 29 hours a week at The Home Depot were so tiring.
I was wrong. I was not ready. I was surprised by the gut punch that packing, loading, unpacking and driving home delivered. I was unsteady, emotional, and heartbroken.
The real surprise for me was how much this move triggered my wanting a drink, my NEEDING a drink.
We were in the hotel room in Indiana on Friday night, I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands crying and craving a drink. I wanted to get annihilated, I wanted the pain to go away. I visualized myself getting home Sunday night and hitting the liquor cabinet and drinking its whole contents.
This thought process stunned me. I hadn’t felt this way since the early days of sobriety. I didn’t understand it.
We had finally grabbed the golden ring. This is what I had been working for with him for the past 5 years. Graduate from college, get a great job, and move out. I had been praying to my higher power, to the Universe, the ocean, and even God for this to happen for him. He is so deserving of it. I wanted this for him, this was the prize we had our eye on since the day he graduated from college, why was I feeling so rattled?
The weekend went by in a blur. Moving him in, setting him up, and cleaning the place up. It was suddenly Sunday morning, and he was dropping me off at Budget to pick up my rental for the long drive home.
Throughout the 9 hour drive home I kept going over the pro and con list regarding this move. All evidence pointed at pro, the only con was my selfishness of wanting him closer to me. I had to let go, I had to let him go, it is time, it is the Circle of Life.
In the circle of life
It’s the wheel of fortune
It’s the leap of faith
It’s the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life
By the time I reached home, I was too tired to even think about drinking. Day 418.