Today is the last full day of our 2 month Florida get away. Tomorrow I am heading home. We are leaving a day early, because my beloved Patriots are in the Super Bowl, and I have to be back and settled to really enjoy the game.
The month of December was really difficult for me. I could not relax, and had frequent triggers that made me want to drink. Being at the beach, who doesn’t associate sitting on the beach with a cool alcoholic beverage? Being bored, a classic drinking trigger, this one happened a lot..(I watched 4 seasons of Gilmore Girls, if that doesn’t say boredom, what does?) Walking into the only two stores that were in the area, CVS and Publix, which both have a large wine section. (Supermarkets in Tennessee do not have a wine or liquor section, yet.) Both of these stores had displays at the end of every aisle of beautiful bottles of wine. It was wine-a-palooza in every aisle. Ugh.
Then came Christmas. My kids were not with me, and I was not with my mother, on possibly her last Christmas. It was awful. This lead to thoughts of Christmas past, red wine and roast, and the tradition of drinking Bailey’s on Christmas Eve. Christmas was a let down, a huge let down. I hadn’t even had the forethought to pack the small Christmas tree so at least we had some decorations. All I wanted was the day to end. It was a wretched way to spend Christmas, I was sad and sober, a mentally miserable combination.
December ended and I started to come out of my funk. I still had not quite found my groove. I was attending AA meetings, but not feeling any kind of connection at any of them. I attended a Smart Recovery meeting, and was just as confused about that program after the meeting than I was before. I felt like my boat had been untied from the dock, and I was bobbing around without oars.
January came. New Years Eve was not an issue, as I have never enjoyed it, amateur night, as I always called it. In the new year, I was determined to be more present in my life. To try to focus on the NOW. Each time my mind went forward, or back, I dragged it back to the present. I finally began to feel a settling of my angst. I was trying to relax and a times having success, I was hitting a stride, I was getting used to my environment. I was running everyday listening to inspirational, funny and alcohol related pod-casts during my runs. I was working on just being, not feeling like I had to be doing something else.
Then something happened, my son got a job. I suddenly had a purpose, and more importantly a TO DO list. The timeline for him moving from Tennessee to Illinois was short. Flights were booked, a U haul was rented, hotels were booked, moving was completed, and I was once again back in Florida. I arrived back in Florida with a huge case of the jitters, and more cravings to drink. I have been back in Florida for a week ago, and have yet to find that fleeting sense of peace again.
Tomorrow we leave. We have committed to another two month stint next year. I hope to be more comfortable in my sobriety,more founded in my spirituality, have a better ability to let go, and be present in the now. I hope to be able to relax, and enjoy daily life, not what is behind me, or what is going to be in front of me. I hope to find peace, to be able to relax without having to work so hard at it.
Even though I had difficulty with this stay-cation, I am extremely grateful for many things that have happened over the last two months, so I will end this post with my gratitude’s.
My son got a job!
My mother is still alive, and I will have another chance to go visit her. and my husband and I got along great, in a very small space.
I am still gratefully sober, even with all the emotional,mental and physical torture I put myself through, I am still here watching the day count go up. I still have work to do, and I am willing to do be happy, joyous and free.