AND THEN THIS HAPPENED…

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In my last post I was excited to begin a Big Book study with my Yoda of sobriety.  We worked together for 3 weeks. In that time, we had shared a lot of stores, feelings and emotions.  We had gotten close quickly.

We set a time for Wednesday at 1 pm to discuss Chapter 3, and the elusiveness of a higher power in my life.  I was excited. I was ready to embrace the concept, I was interested to hear how he had found God, and used him to guide his life and sobriety. I really felt like I was on a train pulling out of the station, and picking up speed.

Then the train derailed.

Tuesday afternoon I received an email from him.  He could no longer work with me.  Huh?

This person who had been guiding me, whom I trusted, shared my intimate thoughts, and alcoholic secrets with had just dumped me. Not only was I dumped, it was via email.  Seriously?

The reasons for no longer being able to continue our work together were lame, in my opinion.  Apparently there is a jealous girlfriend lurking some where who is not in the program, and clearly doesn’t understand the twelfth step.

To say I was hurt was an understatement.  I don’t know if it would have been less painful at a different time in my life, but I felt like I had been gut punched.

My reaction to this situation surprised me.  Then as I thought about it, I realized that I was as upset as I was because this was another loss in my life. He is some one I had gotten close to very quickly, some one who knew my secrets, and decided that they didn’t want to know me any more.  I felt like I had given him the keys to my diary, he read it and ran off.  I felt like he was just another person passing through my life with their own hidden agenda, and was it was disingenuous in the end.

If this happened at a different time in my sobriety and emotional life, it probably wouldn’t be bothering me as much. It comes at a time when I am struggling.  It comes on the heels of losing my mother, whom I shared all my secrets with.  It comes after spending a wonderful spring break with my daughter, and her leaving to go back to school 1700 miles away.   All of my emotional nerve endings are sitting on top of the protective layer of armor, and suppression I normally wear.

I know AA discourages people of the opposite sex from working together.  I broke the rules.  I thought that I was different, and believed that he was too.

I was wrong, and now I am paying the price.

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24 thoughts on “AND THEN THIS HAPPENED…

  1. Interesting post. I have had a similar thing occur with me re some eating disorder discussions. On various blogs I have also heard this discussion raised on occasion. So, I suppose chalk it up to AA being able to assess their experience and make recommendations on same.

    Having said all of that, I do think there is value in reconsidering the same sex rule of thumb. I buy that as a nontraditional but heterosexual male, I have always been more comfortable in having discussions with women on issues of recovery. I have also had this discussion with my wife who understands and accepts that reality for me – and I think actually appreciates that. However, I also discuss any such relationships with her from the start and value her input. There have been a couple of instances where she has suggested not, and I have always complied.

    So . . . I am suggesting that the opposite sex (or same sex for LG folks) can work if the potential obstacles are thoroughly assessed by all folks in advance.

    This of course also speaks to the AA tradition of placing “principles before personalities” – sponsors can always relapse or go away, but a solid grounding in the principles will not.

    Best wishes

    • I have had other men help me, and have always told my husband about it. I have never run into this before. The interesting thing is that he initiated the conversation and friendship via the meeting and Facebook. Then it moved into a BB study, then it blew up. I am generally more comfortable speaking with men.
      Live and learn I suppose.

  2. Reading your story brought up an old memory of when my sponsor dumped me. It was a terrible feeling. She did so via e-mail as well and in a nutshell said that we were “heading in different directions”. Anyhow, I feel your pain. It took some soul-searching and I had to let go. It’s been months now and I’m glad we went our separate ways. But at the time it really just sucked, so I feel your pain. This too shall pass though. Just another one of those fun things we get to deal with sober.

    • Right. Another sober first, being dumped by a non lover, Big Book following, 12th step believer. Does it get worse? Aren’t they supposed to be the teacher, not the dumper?
      It will fade with time, and become just another unpleasant, hurtful memory.
      Onward!

      • Sponsors are human too. It’s easy to put them on a pedestal because they help you so much. But they are alcoholic and suffer from the same issues as we do!
        Find a sponsor female and around same age. You will share more in common!

    • I know, right? All the wonderful feelings and help that is in the rooms doesn’t always translate to the real world I suspect. I hate to say it, but people are just people in the end. Sober or drinkers, they can still be shitty. I seem to gravitate to the crummy ones, maybe I should try someone I don’t particularly like. 🙂

  3. Take this as Sign that he was not for you.
    I think jealous partners are a reality of programs like aa. After putting up with perhaps years off addiction and lying, the sober spouse then wants to attend secret meeting of which nothing can be divulged. I would find it very difficult to support my spouse in that.

    I’m kind of lucky that my hubby and I both go to aa and often to meetings together. He would be vehemently opposed to me meeting with a male alcoholic. He doesn’t trust anyone.

    Don’t let this derail you. You deserve more.

    Anne

  4. I hope yo take this as just another learning experience…not as anything more. I;m sorry he did this over email, but perhaps that was what he was told to do.
    there is a reason why the suggestion is for same sex sponsors, and it is a VERY good one.
    You will find someone that it will be even easier to talk to, and I don’t think there is any reason to worry about what you may have divulged to this man.
    Since you understand now how wonderful it feels to talk with someone , to discuss the steps, to understand them on a different level, please keep at it and find another sponsor….it will only get better from here.
    xo

      • No, no no! LOL…pick someone who has what you want, who you are attracted to because she says things that resonate with you. I know you’ll find the right person, you’re smart….

  5. I have a hard time trusting women so when I went to AA I gravitated to the men at first. I went to a couple of women’s meetings but just wasn’t feeling it so I stuck to the mixed meetings. I did find a sponsor and she was wonderful but honestly, my first choice would have been a man.

    I’m sorry he dumped you like that…chickenshit man.

    Sherry

    • I don’t have great relationships with women, due to the stupid games they play. Men get mad, the fight or talk it out, and it is done. Too much bullshit with women. I hated it in high school and hate it more now. So I gravitate toward the non-bullshit side of the room.
      I will find someone who can do this with me face to face. Man, woman or dog.

  6. Oh babe I wish I could reach through this damn computer and give you the biggest hug. It would appear that his world is not so serene after all. It is huge opening up and exposing yourself like that and to have it just snubbed so easily is very hurtfull. I am so sorry it has happened to you and particulary at this time. Now I am reaching through this computer and holding out my hand to pull you back up again. DO NOT let this kick in the guts slow take you out for to long. You can wallow in it for a bit because you have earnt that but don’t stay there to long. xoxoxo

    • I would love a hug, this has sucked, and has been very hurtful. But, I am a tough chick and will bounce. Time will ease the hurt of this unfortunate incident, and I will find someone that is genuine in their desire to help.

  7. Commitment scares the shit out of me. For my own issues. Never about the other person. Maybe he’s got his own issues, undoubtedly he has his own issues, and issues you will never know about. His issues are not about you, so don’t take them on.
    And yeah email sucks, but maybe he thought it would be easier for both of you that way. Maybe his girl said he couldn’t call you. Maybe he tried to call and chickened out. You’ll probably never know why. At least he let you know though instead of vanishing.

    I like Michele’s note…you’ll find someone. He wasn’t the one.

    Hang in there. xo

    • Thanks, I will. I guess he could have ghosted me. That really would have sucked. Imagine the blow to my already low levels of self esteem.
      I believe the issue was that he felt he couldn’t tell the girlfriend. She isn’t in AA, and I guess I am younger and blah blah blah.
      Clearly, you are all correct, he was no the one.

      • blah blah blah, LOL you’re funny.
        I realized later this probably came across preachy, but really just wanted to say there are always hidden reasons and issues people do things (or don’t do things) and it’s always about them, never about us. It’s like that saying, “What others think of me is none of my business.” It’s hard not to take things personally, but it helps when you remember that it’s not about you, it’s about them. Learn what you can from it–from all experiences–and move on. ❤

  8. This is going to be something that you will look back on later and see some sort of value, believe it or not. Disappointment comes in many guises and this certainly is for you, but there is some cosmic reason for this. It could be just as simple as his gf being uncomfortable with it. As a straight male, I know that my wife would not be very happy if I were to sponsor a female. We’ve actually had that discussion. It’s okay for me to help and guide other women, but not sponsor them. As you mentioned, you get pretty close pretty quickly. Sometimes it gets romantic and sticky. But not always.
    I know many women who have male sponsors and it’s not a thing. LGBT have a different spin of course. But in the end, you need to find the right person.
    I had a problem with men before getting in the rooms. They bullied me and I saw them as competition and never thought that men could get close unless it was a homosexual relationship. Working with my sponsor and since working with others has changed that dramatically for me. Perhaps you are meant to work with a women to see that not all woman are catty, etc. I am just thining aloud.

    Persevere, my friend. You are willing. That’s amazing. Let others know that you are looking for a sponsor or at least a temp or someone to go through the book as a step study.

    Hugs to you and hope this doesn’t tarnish your outlook 🙂

    Paul

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