In my last post I was excited to begin a Big Book study with my Yoda of sobriety. We worked together for 3 weeks. In that time, we had shared a lot of stores, feelings and emotions. We had gotten close quickly.
We set a time for Wednesday at 1 pm to discuss Chapter 3, and the elusiveness of a higher power in my life. I was excited. I was ready to embrace the concept, I was interested to hear how he had found God, and used him to guide his life and sobriety. I really felt like I was on a train pulling out of the station, and picking up speed.
Then the train derailed.
Tuesday afternoon I received an email from him. He could no longer work with me. Huh?
This person who had been guiding me, whom I trusted, shared my intimate thoughts, and alcoholic secrets with had just dumped me. Not only was I dumped, it was via email. Seriously?
The reasons for no longer being able to continue our work together were lame, in my opinion. Apparently there is a jealous girlfriend lurking some where who is not in the program, and clearly doesn’t understand the twelfth step.
To say I was hurt was an understatement. I don’t know if it would have been less painful at a different time in my life, but I felt like I had been gut punched.
My reaction to this situation surprised me. Then as I thought about it, I realized that I was as upset as I was because this was another loss in my life. He is some one I had gotten close to very quickly, some one who knew my secrets, and decided that they didn’t want to know me any more. I felt like I had given him the keys to my diary, he read it and ran off. I felt like he was just another person passing through my life with their own hidden agenda, and was it was disingenuous in the end.
If this happened at a different time in my sobriety and emotional life, it probably wouldn’t be bothering me as much. It comes at a time when I am struggling. It comes on the heels of losing my mother, whom I shared all my secrets with. It comes after spending a wonderful spring break with my daughter, and her leaving to go back to school 1700 miles away. All of my emotional nerve endings are sitting on top of the protective layer of armor, and suppression I normally wear.
I know AA discourages people of the opposite sex from working together. I broke the rules. I thought that I was different, and believed that he was too.
I was wrong, and now I am paying the price.