DRINKING DREAMS

relapse

I had my very first drinking dream last night.  I have read a lot about people having these types of dreams in early sobriety, I never did.  I was taken by surprise by it, given that I just celebrated 16 months of sobriety on Monday.

When I awoke this morning, the dream was still very vivid in my mind.  As I lay in bed, making sure all my parts were still working, I began to delve into what made me have that dream now.  Especially after all this time.

I have a trip to Maine scheduled for the end of the month.  It is a celebration for my step mother being elected the state President of a women’s charity group she is involved in.  My grandmother was a member, my step mother is a member, and for me to be able to attend her induction, she made me and her daughter members.  When I was first asked to attend the state convention where the award would be bestowed, it was four years ago, and I said “of course I will come”.  I figured I had four years, a lot could happen in four years, it was easy to say yes without real intentions behind the yes.

It is now four years later, and the convention is upon us.  An event that I thought was going to be small, intimate celebration has now blossomed into a full on party.

It is my impression that my step mothers installment as the President for the state of Maine in this charity has become an event.  It has become a THING, a rather large thing.  The small gathering has blossomed into a semi large family reunion of sorts.  My brother, his wife and two children are flying in from Missouri, and my step mothers son is making a special trip from Massachusetts.  None of these people will get to see the honor being bestowed, as it is a women’s only group, and you have to be a member.  The only people in attendance will be me, and her daughter.  The other family members have been invited for a post convention celebration.

My step mother is very excited about this position, and has worked hard to get it.  Because she wanted me there, she offered to pay for my airfare and hotel.  I picked out my flights, and she booked the hotel.  As you can imagine, there was conversation regarding these arrangements, just not full disclosure.

As the celebration got larger, I  was asked to include my daughter, who is only a two hour drive from Portland. I was more than happy to do that.  She is my heart and soul, and helps keep me grounded.  I figured this adventure would create a few trigger moments, and it would be easier with her by my side.  Plus, I had the paid for hotel room for her to stay in with me, great plan right?

Wrong.  I was informed, yesterday, that my step mother has booked to share a room with her daughter,  a woman whom I have not seen in 25+ years, and who is a black out drinker.  It was then casually tossed in that she and I will also be sharing a bed, because step mom was sure I wouldn’t mind.  I do mind, I really, really mind.

I have been under an extraordinary amount of stress over the last four months.  The stress has led me to question my sobriety regularly.  I have had far to many white knuckle days for comfort, and feel like I have been distancing myself from both my sponsor, and my meetings.  My mothers death has been an emotional challenge, and now we are packing our home and moving.  All catalysts to my old way of thinking, drown all discomfort with copious amounts of white wine, it will go away.

I also have a horrible time sleeping, crazy bedtime rituals, and hotel rooms are where I am at my craziest. (I travel with electrical tape for all of the little lights in the room.).  I have shared a lot of crazy with my family, but I really don’t feel the need for full disclosure.  Suffice it to say there are nights my husband doesn’t even want to be in the same bed, let alone room with me.

Needless to say, this information sent me into a tail spin.  I finally hit that wall that had been coming closer and closer. I had a major meltdown.  A crying, hyperventilating, rocking back and forth on the floor meltdown.  I would say that this has been lurking inside for quite some time, but the room and bed share were the straws that broke the flood gates open.

Once I composed myself, I immediately got on line, and booked my OWN room.  Easy fix.  Normal people would have just gone and done that without all the neurotic histrionics. Instead I got myself so worked up, that I no longer want to attend, my own room or not.

When my family gets together, every one drinks, it is what we have always done.  I don’t do that any more, and I have yet to find my comfort zone with not drinking around my family.  Old habits are hard to overcome.

With all of this fresh on my mind, I dreamt that I joined in with the drinking and the partying in Maine.  I was at the table having dinner, downing glasses of red wine, one after another, just like the old days.

All of this is disconcerting.  I know I need to be sober, but there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to be sober.  That girl wants to drink.  I hope she isn’t in Maine in May.

battle

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7 thoughts on “DRINKING DREAMS

  1. First, I’m 22 years sober, my last drinking dream was no more than a year ago. They don’t ever go away because it’s the brains way of taking out the trash.

    Second, that little girl will be there. You just have to make sure the big girl has 51% of the say and can tell the other to shut it.

    finally, when it gets tough, and it will, leave yourself an out, call your sponsor and find a meeting (call the local hotline). Remember, when you make it through this you won’t have to relive that last four months ever again, as long as you stay sober. Good luck!

  2. Good job booking your own hotel room. I understand the hysteria. It often takes me many tears and frustrations before I see the simple solution. To do things I need to do to protect myself. Period. Money, family, expectation. Screw them. It’s not worth the anguish.

    Go in prepared to Do this your sober way. You don’t drink. If in doubt, you return to your hotel and hide in the tub. Have some numbers ready to call. Plan ahead. And do not let anyone impose on you.

    You will be ok.

    • Totally agree. It’s funny how our old patterns of pleasing others can be so strong. Most people would probably just immediately book another room, but for some of us, that’s just not the first thing that comes to mind. I totally get it.

  3. You have done everything right…even your dream was helpful, reminding you of what you do NOT want to be doing!
    Make all those escape plans..you have your own room and bathtub to escape to, plan where there are meetings code to the festivities….
    look, we are all here, holding you close. You got this. You said it yourself..all the HUGE things you are dealing with and have had to deal with…and this is pushing your buttons hard. Breath. You got this!

  4. The dream and the meltdown were just a way to process all that you’ve been through this last year AND the room was just the proverbial icing on the cake. That’s all they are though…feelings and dreams…whispers in the night that remind us that we are human with all of the imperfections that humans have.

    Of course you still want to drink (or your other self does). You’re only 16 months out…not even a toddler yet. I’m in the kindergarten of this journey and there are times when I still want to drink too. It’s normal. It’s gloriously imperfect.

    I’ve sat in awe and watched you tackle this last year through your blog. You have strength and wisdom and tenacity. You’ll get through this and come out the other side stronger and more confident than ever.

    Mish is right – we’re all here, holding you close.

    Sherry

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