2017 and percocet relapse

I was lying in bed last night, wishing I had a journal to write in. I have had journals, but I have stopped writing in them because my husband reads them. He reads them even though I have told him, “Hey, this is my journal, it is going to live here on my night table, please don’t read it.” I find this to be a huge invasion of my privacy, among many other things that I am not going to get into today, so I stopped journaling. I moved my current one to the car, which is not a convenient place to find time and put down thoughts. I would suspect writing in a journal while driving is up there in the don’t column along with texting while driving.

Being in recovery, I have discovered that NOT writing down my thoughts has not helped me process the thoughts, or get the thoughts out of my head and put them somewhere else so they no longer make such a racket. The noise keeps me up at night.

I remembered, in my early sobriety I used to blog. I never really enjoyed blogging, I always felt my writing wasn’t good enough, or I wasn’t being insightful, or I wasn’t posting frequently enough, so I shut my blog down. That was about 2 1/2 years ago. I was blogging for the wrong reasons. This blog will now be my journal, somewhere for those pesky, keep me awake at night thoughts to live. Somewhere that the husband won’t find them.

A lot has happened in 2 1/2 years. Of course it has, it has been 2 1/2 years. I am still sober, from alcohol. I have 1,179 days. I have been in AA, then quit AA, and now my road has brought me back to AA. (more on that another day)

I never disclosed in my prior blogs that I also am an opiate addict. I had a botched rotator cuff surgery, and my doctor’s answer to my complaints about getting worse instead of better, was a continuous supply of Vicodin prescriptions. I had the shoulder repaired again, and got more opiates. As time has gone on, there have been various injuries that have required prescriptions for opiates. I have never refused or disclosed my predilection for addiction.

I found that alcohol and opiates were the perfect combination to keep me numb. As long as I had my wine and a pill or two, I was happily high, and nothing bothered me. I could drink and drug and never have to bother with any of the myriad of bothersome, hurtful issues that life consists of.

I had a year of opiate sobriety until two days ago. I found my husbands percocets that he had gotten when he had kidney stones last year. I had previously requested that they be hidden, which they were, (which in itself is pathetic to me, but that is another post) but we are away, and they aren’t hidden well, so I found them.

Then life happened, which it has a habit of doing, so I took 2 percocets. Never one, always 2, 1/2 at a time, spread out over the evening. Naturally, the self loathing was there immediately the following morning.The sick feeling,and the abject sadness at having relapsed after having a year of sobriety with pills.

As I am sitting here, life is coming in fast and furious once again. Things are ramping up to a place where I have no control. Control is my thing, as I believe it is for every addict. I still know where the perocects are, so I am telling you. I am telling anyone who is reading this that I am thinking about taking a percocet to make these feelings go away.

I am also thinking about how shitty I will feel if I do that, so for this moment, I am not going to do it. I am going to finish this post, then go do fold some laundry, and get through the next moment, then the next, until this feeling passes.

And then when my husband gets home, I am going to tell him I found them, and to please hide them again. That is what I am going to do.

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18 thoughts on “2017 and percocet relapse

  1. Okay, dude… men don’t do women AA and vice versa, so I’ll make this short.

    Flush the shit right now, and I better not get a reply about the goddamned environment either. Quit bullshitting yourself. Time for you to come clean sweetie. Now would be good.

    • No environment talk from me, they are no longer in my universe. I am not bullshitting myself, I am weak, and an addict. I can’t be near the shit without it calling my name.
      I spoke to my sponsor, so all is well. Another day opiate free.
      Did you really call me Dude? No one has called me that in ages. 🙂

      • Well, sadly (and fortunately at the same time) I’ve been around for a few days… long enough ago I still pull “Dude” out now and again. 😂

        I’m glad you talked to your sponsor, that’s the right direction. As to our being recovering addicts, we recoil as if from flame. We USED to be drawn to it. I know it’s hard, but my old misery is harder. Know what I mean?

      • Yes. Exactly. I knew it firsthand the day after said event. I don’t want to go back there, yet I did. Scary shit.
        Wine was my drink. If someone had set that down in front of me at the exact moment I was swallowing said pill, I would have said fuck off, I don’t drink. But pass that little yellow bottle over here please.
        I have shamed myself, and told on myself,to my sponsor and at a meeting. Now I need to move forward. With first hand knowledge that I am always going to be recoverING, never recoverED.
        Ya know what I am saying Dude? 🙂

  2. They don’t need to be hidden they need to be flushed. If he gets stones again the doc will prescribe again. Don’t do it, you’ve come to far to give in. Think better of yourself, you’re worth more than that.

    • They are gone.
      I didn’t take any. I spoke to my sponsor and I am opiate free for one more day. Yeah me.
      Thanks for all of the support you guys. The opiates are so much harder than the alcohol ever was.

  3. Some good words above from those above with more knowledge of opiate addiction than I have. Good to hear of the actions you have taken and wishing you so very well in the coming days.

    I don’t know if you remember me but I began blogging at around the same time as you, and missed you when you stopped writing (and you wrote pretty damn well, by the way!) I have thought of you a number of times in the interval so I was so pleased to see you come up again in my reader. All the very best, Prim xx

  4. I do remember you, and have checked in on you periodically over the last few years. I hope you are doing well. It has been interesting to see so many familiar names pop up, like long lost friends.
    Nice to “see” you.

  5. Glad that they’re out of your universe. Those can be dicey. I wasn’t a pill popper, but I know that if I kept at the booze, it would be only a matter of time before I started introducing those bad boys to the party. Get to oblivion faster, right? I am careful when I get codeine and other stuff for pains and such (I’m middle aged, I get pains…ha ha) because there would be times I would count them, and then start to wonder what would happen when I ran out. My stash would be gone! Horror! ha ha. So I am aware, even though I never abused them. A drunk is still a drunk in other ways.

    (I won’t call you dude here.)

    Paul

    • Opiates are deadly. I completely understand what you are talking about. The craziness of addiction, the counting, the plotting, the planning. It is tiresome. You are right, addiction is addiction, no matter what the substance.
      Nice to see you here Paul, I have missed out “chats”.

  6. So proud of you for getting rid of them (and not in a condescending way). That took a lot of strength and fortitude. Opiate addiction is a powerful one.

    You are strong and lovely. You can make this happen. You’re worth the effort it will take.

    Sherry

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