Rigorous Honesty and a Day Count Reset ☹️

rigerous honesty

I have finally owned up to the fact that I can no longer say that I have 1213 days of sobriety.  This has been a tough one for me.  Since I quit drinking on 11/30/13, I have taken opiates four times, an addiction I don’t readily own up to. I took them for the same reasons I used to drink, to not feel something that was painful.  It is the same behavior as drinking to mask my feelings,  I took the pills to make something less of a THING. To make it go away, however briefly.

I have gone back to AA and am giving it 100 percent effort this time around. When I first got sober, I did it online for the first three months, white knuckling it with the WordPress sober community.  I then decided to try an AA meeting. I found one where no one asked anything of me. No coffee making, no greeting, no commitment. Also no offers of sponsorship, nor did I asks. I just went one night a week, sat in a chair, said nothing, then went home. Just going through the motions.

I had a sponsor, but she lived in a different state, so we weren’t connected geographically, and were unable to attend meetings together. We weren’t able to get together in person and discuss my new sobriety the way I can with my new sponsor.

My current sponsor is tough, she expects a daily telephone call, and she expects me to show up at meetings, regularly. No half assing it this time.  I have been doing that, because there has been a hole in my sobriety. Without the meetings, I was back to white knuckling it, and just going through the motions. I wasn’t drinking, but if given the chance or the opportunity, I would happily gulp down a pain pill.

What I have found by attending meetings for the last three months is that  I was missing was the rigorous honesty. When you don’t have to be accountable for your behavior, you give yourself a pass and rationalize away anything.  And I have. I have done that four times when I have chosen to take opiates.

I have attended a lot of meetings in the last few months. I have been listening, and I have heard people tell on themselves repeatedly. I kept hearing the phrase rigorous honesty. It has stirred something deep in me, I have not been honest with myself, or within the program, and now it was time to own up to it.

In my mind I had kept my two addictions in separate places, never admitting the pills were as bad as the alcohol. I was sober because I didn’t drink. I kept up my day count. Nothing was going to stop my streak. Somehow, I discounted the pills, they weren’t my REAL addiction, so I kept going after each pill relapse as though nothing happened.

Except this time it was different, I had a new sponsor, I had to tell on self. That is what we do. When I first asked her if I should reset my day count, she said she felt that I was a bit too fragile and new at the program to do that, and we could let it go. But I can’t. The more meetings I go to, the more I realize that I have to reset my sobriety date. As I have relapsed, not once, but four different times. The pills and the alcohol are the same, they are both an addiction and they belong in the same bucket.

This morning I told my sponsor that I felt I needed to reset the date. The continued talk of rigorous honesty was getting to me. I am not being honest, I am a liar. I have not been sober for 1213 days, I have been cheating.

It is time to own up to it. I don’t want to, in fact it makes me cringe and cry. I can’t even think about getting another 30 day, 60 day, 90 day chip, it just makes me so sad. I am told I will feel better once I admit this. It will be a weight off, it will be the beginning, again, this time with rigorous honesty.

 

 

 

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19 thoughts on “Rigorous Honesty and a Day Count Reset ☹️

  1. What a compassionate step! You listened to your heart and followed!
    Nothing is lost. Days counts are just numbers. But you have gained freedom and relief! How awesome.

    Take those extra chips. Add to your collection. Celebrate each day! Because we live in the day. Not in a count.

    I like the quote – the person with the most sobriety is the one who woke up earliest today.

    Great job! It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself. That’s beautiful 💗

    Anne

    • Thank you so much for this comment. There is so much here for me to take. I love it.
      You are so right, just numbers, that is it.
      I have the willingness, now I need to act on it. I need to tell it, out loud, at a meeting. Not just privately to my sponsor.
      Thank you Anne.

  2. I totally can relate… But still struggling resetting my ticker.. I will but 174 days ago I gave up booze and opiates .. Aaaand I’ve puffed some reefer and took too many benzos and was honest with telling on myself. I even checked into detox again to safely get off the pills… I’m so proud of you I’m inspired to reset my ticker.. xoxxox

  3. I echo what Anne said – this is a wonderful step towards greater health and serenity.

    I know someone with long term sobriety who changed her sobriety date to reflect the fact that she too took some opiates once or twice while sober from alcohol. She too felt it was the right decision for her. I think it takes a lot of courage and self-love to do that. I really do. And like Anne said, nothing is “wasted” or lost. It is probably a good thing – you are seeing that half-steps truly don’t avail us anything. I love that you have really jumped into the program and have a face-to-face sponsor and are really taking things to heart. You will reap the benefits of this big time!

    Thank you for sharing this – I can almost guarantee that you are inspiring someone, either in re-examing their own sobriety or moving someone closer to recovery.

    Blessings,
    Paul

  4. Rigorous honesty, baby. It isn’t a river in Egypt… err something.

    Admitting your relapse and changing your day is the right thing to do. There is a bright side to this; You’re growing! All of our stories are different, it takes what it takes to make it. Good luck.

  5. wow…..I just caught up with you.
    Thank you for your honesty..seriously.
    It takes a lot to put it out there in the world and here too…
    you have no idea how many people you may have just helped.
    Resetting your date is brave and show so much compassion for yourself…now you can let it go, it doesn’t have to be a secret anymore…i hope you feel lighter.
    And i’ll parrot Anne and Paul…today, this day, is all that matters. You stilll have all that sober time, you learned a lot, and now you’ll move ahead.
    Keep posting!

  6. Hope it went well, you’ll be helping so many others. But I’ll echo what others said, you have days and experience in the bank, that counts for alot. It’s progress not perfection don’t ya know!

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