I am 2 months and 20 days into my relapse day count. I am still feeling a bit off about it all. I am trying to feel good about AA, and going to meetings, but some days it just feels like one more thing on my to do list. And not a good thing.
Also, as a perfectionist and being highly competitive, I never feel like I am doing the program “right”. I sit in the meetings, which I do enjoy, when I can talk myself into going, and listen to all these enlightened people speak, and just think to myself, I don’t get it.
I also am deathly afraid to speak in public, and these are large meetings. I spend a lot of my time counting how many people have to share before they get to me, hoping that the time will run out. Then when I see that I WILL have to share, I spend my time thinking about what I am going to say. When it comes time for me to have to speak, I feel the hives forming on my neck, and my cheeks getting all flushed. Then I think that everyone thinks that I am an idiot.
I also am so fascinated by the depth to which people share. I can barely tell my husband or sponsor my innermost feelings, there is no way I can dig deep and lay all my stuff out in a room full of strangers. So, am I getting it? I know that sharing is a huge part of healing, but being blocked in that area, is that going to stop me from understanding this program? Will I ever get to happy, joyous and free?
I know, there is a lot of me in that last paragraph.
My new sponsor is great, but she pushes. She pushes because she knows about my trepidation. She pushes because she knows at any moment I could bolt. She pushes because she cares.
It is all new again. Even though I haven’t had alcohol in over three years, I feel like a newcomer, which I am, as I don’t think I ever really gave this thing a good go. I want to feel comfortable, I want to “get it”, but I have more times where I don’t.
I can’t even get through the first 164 pages of the big book.
I am not sure where my head is.