The holiday’s are upon us, and for many it is the most wonderful time of the year. Not so much over here. My mother is still dead, my kids live far away, and I live with an active alcoholic Scrooge. Way to deflate the holiday bubble.
So, to give myself a little love, I booked a trip to go see my son for Christmas. I am excited yet apprehensive at the same time.
Back to the active alcoholic, my husband. We relocated to NY 2 1/2 years ago. When we did that, I stopped going to AA meetings. In our old town, I never felt that I was getting all that much out of the program, so when we moved to a new state it was easy to stop going to meetings. I remained sober from alcohol, I just wasn’t working the program.
When we returned to my husbands old home town, he went into a deep depression, and started to drink very heavily. As I wasn’t working on myself, I didn’t really notice or care all that much.
I am now very active in the program again, and working on myself, along with working the steps. His alcoholism has become a huge issue for me. I have taken all of my focus and placed it directly on his drinking.
I addressed the situation with him a couple of months ago. The last time I went to visit my son, I happened to call him at 3:30 in the afternoon, and he was totally shitfaced. When I returned home, we had a “come to Jesus” meeting about it. He told me, unequivocally, that he will not quit drinking. He will moderate, as he has always done in his life, just two drinks a night. I tried to impress upon him that this addiction is progressive, and that once one has gone so far down that road, it is difficult to get back to the beginning of it. Again, I was told, two drinks a night.
In October he began to drink white wine, his usual drink is vodka. That went on for about a month. (I say about, but the notes that I am keeping know it was exactly a month. And yes, I know this is hazardous and serious codependent behavior.) After a month, the vodka was back in the freezer.
Being the codependent, controlling alcoholic/addict that I am, I could not let this go unaddressed. I asked, why the switch back to the original culprit, vodka? I was told that he “detoxed” with the wine, and would now be able to control the vodka drinking to two shots per night. WTF?? Right?
Codependency is a gorilla that sits on my back. I am now laser focused on his drinking. And, yes I know, intellectually that this is ridiculous, tell my addict that, she can’t get a grip on this.
I hear when the freezer door opens, I hear the shot glass get picked up, I hear the two shots being poured, then the glub, glub, glub of the extra vodkas that goes in from the bottle. It all just makes me so anxious, fearful and crazy angry at the same time.
Since the return of the vodka, I am too actively involved in his drinking. I have begun to water down the bottle of vodka. I thought that when it froze, as it is kept in the freezer, it might tip him off, it didn’t, he just moved the bottle to the refrigerator.
This unfortunate trend of watering down the vodka has taken up massive amounts of space in my addicted brain. Each night, before I go to bed, I add a splash of water to the vodka bottle. He either hasn’t noticed, or refuses to address it with me. I don’t know which one it is. (Our communication skills are horrendous about this subject matter.)
I need to get this fucking gorilla off my back. I know the other shoe is going to drop while I am away over the holidays. He will go back to his heavy drinking because he is only moderating because of my monitoring. (How fucked up is this?)
The whole situation, all of my own making, is causing me extreme anxiety about my trip. I do not want to live the rest of my life focused on him and his alcoholic drinking. I know about Al-anon, I am aware of ACOA, I go to 4 AA meetings a week. I have read countless articles and books about codependency, listened to numerous podcasts, yet I can not shake this behavior.
Therefore, I am turning to you readers, sober, non sober, anyone, with suggestions of how to NOT continue to focus on this.
Before anyone suggests things such as exercise, work, getting out of the house, reading, going to another room, or just try to stop, I do all of the above, and more. I just can’t stop this nonsense. It is giving me huge amounts of anxiety daily.
Any and all suggestions welcomed.